A tale of endurance
by kyootness
Summary: Lovino had no idea what to do. Knowing that your life will be over in half a year tends to do that to you. Well, one thing he knew for sure. No one would ever discover this until the day he was pushing daisies. And that was a fact.  kink meme prompt & AU
1. Chapter I

Lovino paced up and down the doctor's office. Had he known he was to wait that long, he would have brought something to keep him entertained. Like a book. Or a Spaniard. Whatever.

He sighed deeply. He just knew that going to the doctor's had been a bad idea.

Well... not really bad. After all, he had been feeling a little out of whack as of late... Now, Lovino was no whiny wuss, and he could live with getting stomach and backaches every now and then. He could stand the fact that he was feeling somewhat weaker, and that sometimes he would faint if he so much as skipped a meal. He could stand losing some weight, too. But when Antonio had brought home a basket of fresh, red, ripe, delicious looking tomatoes and he didn't feel like eating any of them, he just knew that something was wrong with him. So, he had swallowed his pride and called a doctor. A good one. Because seriously, not eating tomatoes was more than just a bit unsettling. But since he wasn't a sissy little girl, he restrained himself from telling Antonio or Feliciana, and had decided to see to this on his own. Had he told Antonio, he would have started treating him as if he were on his deathbed, and Feliciana... well, she was Feliciana. So yeah. No choice but to see this to the end alone.

That was why he was practically boring a hole in the carpet outside the doctor's office. The guy had Lovino go through all kinds of tests, and every time he got a new result he would just have Lovino undergo a new batch of tests, and in the end, Lovino had started getting nervous. Just what could be so wrong with him? Dammit...

"Mr Vargas? The doctor's ready to see you."

* * *

><p>Lovino found himself in front of his house, without remembering how he got there. He had been in kind of a daze after hearing what the doctor told him, and now there he was, fumbling with a damned key that just wouldn't open his door. And he was growing very frustrated with it.<p>

"God damn fucking key! Just work already, will you! Don't make me smash you!" he yelled, his voice broken and full of unshed tears. Damn, damn, damn that key to hell and back! Why was nothing in his fucking life working the way it should today? FUCK!

"Lovi? Why are you threatening a key?"

Lovino jumped out of his skin and turned on his heel as if he had been caught with his pants down. And there, in all his oblivious glory, stood Antonio, his lo-lov... _flatmate._ Antonio was his flatmate. Nothing more!

But back to the matter at hand. Lovino was in a sorry state and in no condition to have a civil conversation (not like he usually had one, but yeah...). So he reacted defensively.

"Uhm... I... it's just... this goddamn key won't open the goddamn door, that's it!"

Antonio gave one of his usual beaming smiles and said "Well, Lovi, I doubt that the car keys will open the front door, no matter how much you threaten them..."

Lovino looked down at his hand. And there, indeed, were the keys to his Fiat Panda. He felt his face burn in shame, and the feeling of being very near to just start bawling right there and then became stronger. But Antonio was watching. And Antonio would know that his tears were not over something as trivial as a car key. So he just turned around, blushed for all he was worth and said in a lethal hiss "Don't say _anything_ and wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, you tomato bastard."

Antonio gave an heartfelt laugh and got his own keys, ruffling Lovino's hair and commenting on just how cute he looked when his face got tomato-red.

Lovino just reacted with a headbutt, and once the door was open, he threw his messenger bag on the floor and himself on the couch. He covered his face with an arm, trying to shut the light from his vision.

God.

What a day. He wished he could just go back in time and erase it from his memory. He wished he had never gone to the doctor.

Antonio noticed that something was not really right with Lovi, so he took a seat at his side and gave him a kiss on the hair. "Lovi? Bad day at work?"

Lovino grunted. He so wished he had a bad day at work. Actually, he would have killed to switch today with the worst day possible at work. But Antonio didn't have to know. Or better yet, Lovino was not going to be able to tell him the truth. Maybe another day. But not now. So he kept his eyes covered (he could not lie to Antonio if he looked at him in the eyes) and lied.

"Yeah, goddamn clients and their stupid requests. A chef as cool as me shouldn't have to deal with those bastards."

Antonio nodded. He knew how Lovino had a short temper, but he also knew that he was the best chef in town. And that handling negative feedback was not exactly his cup of tea.

"I'm sorry, Lovi. But the day is over now, right? So smile a bit for me, will you? Pleeeeease?" he said, his own goofy grin in place, hand outstretched in a loving caress on the grumpy Italian's shoulder.

Lovino lowered his arm from his eyes to sneak a peek at the grinning Spaniard. God. Oh God. What was he supposed to do? He honestly had no idea. He really didn't.

Suddenly, Lovino felt like he couldn't breath anymore. He so desperately wanted to cry his eyes out, but not in front of Antonio. He needed a place where he could be alone. He needed to go outside, or he would have exploded. So he got up suddenly, making Antonio jump a bit in surprise.

"Eggs." he said, a stern expression on his face.

Antonio looked at him as if he had sprouted an extra head. "...eggs, Lovi?"

"Yes. Eggs. We have no eggs. I'm going to buy some. Because I like them. Yeah."

Antonio didn't let go of his stunned face as he slowly said "...uhm, Lovi... you never really liked eggs, you know. You're actually allergic to them."

Lovino blushed and started fidgeting. "Yeah, but I... I... I really want eggs. Like, now. So I'm off to buy them. See you, tomato bastard." And with that he was out of the door, leaving a very confused Spaniard in his wake.

* * *

><p>First chapter. Woohoo you guys, it's been ages since I wrote fanfiction and actually enjoyed it. This one is already over, and I swear, the ending to Tangled will come in a matter of days.<p>

But yeah. Enjoy this one, I guess.


	2. Chapter II

Lovino wandered the roads of the town, trying to think of a place where no one could see him while he cried his eyes out. He could go to Feli, his younger twin, but the girl was way too affectionate and couldn't quite grasp the concept of "personal space". Not to mention Feli lived with her boyfriend, a German potato bastard that Lovino was never going to approve of. And he couldn't really go to Belle, his Belgian friend, because Antonio would throw a fit if he discovered that Lovino had gone to his ex-girlfriend-turned-best-friend with an excuse as lame as _eggs._ He would have thought that Lovino was cheating, and frankly, he wanted to avoid a fight.

Lovino slumped against the steering wheel. Just where was he supposed to go? Was there a place in this whole wide world where no one would bother him?

Deciding that no such place existed, he decided to go and book himself a room in a hotel. There he would be free to cry and think about what to do, because seriously, he had _no fucking clue._

* * *

><p>Lovino threw himself on the bed of a cheap hotel room. After all, he just needed a place to sort his thoughts out, not a five-star room for a different night with Antonio.<p>

Antonio.

He would be heartbroken if he got the news. Lovino punched the pillow and mentally went back to the chat he had with the doctor.

"_Your test results are here, sir. Please, have a seat."_

_Lovino did not like it at all. if a doctor tells you to sit down before getting down to business, there is to be something wrong. He reluctantly took a seat and waited. The doctor took a deep breath and said "I'll be very honest with you, Mr Vargas. You have pretty advanced case of pancreas cancer."_

_Lovino held his breath. _

_Cancer!_

_Him!_

"_What! Are you sure!" _

_The doctor avoided to look at him in the eyes. "I'm very sorry, Mr Vargas. You already have liver metastasis. You'll have to start a pretty strong round of both radio and chemotherapy. And we'll have to remove your pancreas. You'll have to start as soon as possible, possibly by next week. Waiting could be fatal for you."_

_Lovino felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on him. Radiotherapy? Having his pancreas removed! By next week! Waiting could be fatal! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK._

_He swallowed before asking "What are the chances of survival? If I start all this, am I going to be alright?"_

_The doctor kept on looking at his desk, which Lovino took as a very bad sign. _

"_Uhm... it's better if you start right away. I'll call a specialist, he'll start looking into your case as soon as possible. I suggest you take leave from your job. The treatments won't be easy."_

_Lovino had not trusted the doctor. As soon as he was done talking to him, he went into an Internet cafè and looked all over the net for his type of cancer. And the results were dead clear. He would have needed a motherfucking miracle to survive until next year, given the advanced state his cancer was at. And the treatment he would get was likely to be very painful and useless. _

_Lovino had to come to terms with the fact that he was going to die by the end of the year._

In the end, all Lovino did for the following three hours was crying his heart out onto the pillow. He was going to die at the ripe old age of 24. He was likely to be in a lot of pain, he would sooner or later start to lose weight, he would get so weak that even getting up from a bed would not be an option, he would lose everything in a mere matter of months.

Life was so not fair. Life was a bitch. Or better yet, death was a bitch.

He sniffled and tried to find ways to tell Antonio. Somehow, he knew that he couldn't just say "Hey Antonio, guess what, we're having paella for dinner. Oh, by the way, I'll be dead by the end of the year."

Lovino clenched the bed sheets. He could not, for the life of him, bring himself to tell Antonio. This would change everything in their relationship. Lovino couldn't even start to think on how much Antonio would change the way they interacted. He would treat him differently, he would cry, he would be devastated, he would force Lovino to get a painful, useless treatment that would solve nothing, he would get overprotective, he would spend all his hard-saved money on doctors and not to buy the house of their dreams, he would not think about proposing to Lovino anymore, he would not...

A new bout of tears hit Lovino. He could not tell Antonio. Nor could he tell Feli. Or Belle. He was going to have to do this on his own. Even though Antonio would eventually notice how weak he would get, he would have to take this secret to his grave.

Lovino scoffed sadly. Not that he had a lot to wait till that...

Damn. Damn. The only thing he could do was live his life as if he didn't know what was happening. He wanted to live the last months of his life as well as he could, so no treatment. That was for sure. And he would have to cherish all the moments of his life. He would have to start making memories for him and Antonio, and Feli, and his friends.

With a last, long sigh, he sat up on the bed. He smacked his cheeks to snap himself out of it and took a deep breath.

"Let's roll, then."

* * *

><p>Ssssecond chapter here. Yes, I know, I gave in and made Feli a girl in this too. But it's stronger than me! Feli is supposed to be a girl! Being a girl is what he was born for! In my heart, at least XD<p> 


	3. Chapter III

Antonio tried to call Lovino for the upteenth time. He had looked really strange, as if he was on the verge of tears, and then he had left to go buy eggs.

Five hours ago.

God only knew why buying a dozen eggs could take so long. And he wasn't even answering his mobile phone. He had it switched off. Which was strange, since Lovino was always very aware of his mobile phone. And had never gone five whole hours without checking it, ever. Antonio was on the verge of calling the police when he heard the keys turn into the door. He leapt off the couch and went to the door, with a relieved smile and the intention of hugging the hell out of his cute Lovino. Which he did. He wasted no time in tackling Lovino in a bear hug.

"Lovi, lovely Lovi, did you go to Alaska to buy those eggs?"

His lovely Lovi blushed (Soooo cute! Like a tomato!) and said "What eggs, bastard?"

Antonio frowned. He broke the hug and looked at Lovino in the eyes as he said "Lovi? You stormed out of here saying you were off to buy eggs!"

Lovino made the face of a guy who suddenly realizes a big mistake. "Eh? ...Oh! Yeah! Uhm... I didn't feel like eggs anymore because... well... goddammit... I don't really like 'em, and I'm kinda allergic to those anyway... uhm..."

Antonio got a worried look in his eyes. "Lovi? Are you sure you are completely alright...?"

Lovino shook his head. Then said "Uhm, actually... I kind of have... you know... uhm..."

Antonio chuckled. Lovino was getting embarassed! How cuuuute! "As much as I love you, _mi querido_, I can't figure out what you're trying to say."

Lovino got the fiercest blush possible to a human before saying "Uhm, I b-bought this for... well, not for _you, _because you're a bastard, but I have bought one by mistake, and so, uhm, here it is. There. For you." that said, Lovino handed him a bunch of deep red carnations.

Antonio was seriously not understanding what was going on. Lovino had bought him flowers! And red carnations no less, the national flowers of his home country, Spain! Seriously, he was torn between squealing in delight and asking "who are you and what have you done to Lovino."

But since Lovino got flustered so very easily and he rarely did something so... well... cute, he decided to show his appreciation of that sweet, cute, adorable act and go with the first option.

"Wow! Lovi, thank you! They're wonderful! But may I ask, what's the occasion? My birthday was two months ago..."

Lovino looked at the ground, fierce blush still in place, before stuttering "There's no... really, no occasion... I just... uhm... it's just because... well, I kind of _not hate you_, so I thought... but if you don't like them..."

Antonio laughed and hugged his lovely Lovi close before answering "Thank you, love. I don't hate you too! In fact, I love your gift! You're such a darling, Lovi!"

Lovi broke the hug and ruefully stomped over to the kitchen. "Whatever, bastard. You better feel like having paella, cause I... uhm... I'm not in the mood for anything else tonight."

Antonio practically squealed like a schoolgirl and glomped Lovino again. "Paella, querido? That's just _peachy!_"

Lovino winced. "Yeah, sure, whatever." then added under his breath "..._peachy..._ I ask you..."

Antonio simply smiled and joined Lovino in the kitchen. It was very rare for his beloved Italian to be in such a mood, and he was damn well going to enjoy it for as long as it lasted.

* * *

><p>As Lovino washed the dishes, he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Maybe he had kind of gone overboard with Antonio, what with buying him flowers and cooking his favourite meal. But how could he not? He had always known that he wasn't the easiest person to get along with, and he had always been kind of... well... downright mean to Antonio so many times, and mostly for stupid reasons. Now that he thought about it, he had been a real dick to him. Most of his outbursts were really uncalled for, and even though Antonio never said anything about it, he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that maybe, just maybe, Antonio would have liked Lovino to be a bit more... manageable. And now that he was not going to have much time ahead of him, he had to make Antonio feel loved. He had to make him realize how much he loved and cared for him. He had to enjoy every single second of their life together.<p>

Every.

Single.

One.

With that thought, Lovino went to bed and called it a night.

* * *

><p>Woohoo. Third chapter up. I have mixed feelings about this. I don't know if what Lovino is doing is something I would do in real life. What are your thoughts? If you were going to die and you couldn't do anything about it, would you want someone to know?<p>

Cause seriously, I don't know.


	4. Chapter IV

_He couldn't remember how he got there, but he had a clear feeling that he had flown there. Because he was able to see all of his beloved Rome from up in the sky, and now he could see the roof of his house, right there, next to that small square with a church... _

_Without thinking, he looked for the window of his room, because he knew it would be open. It was summer after all, and he never closed that window during the summer. He reached the window sill and looked into his room. It was a pigsty, really. He was always bad with household chores, and it reflected in his room. All of his possessions, clothes, books, cds and stuff were scattered around the room. As he tried to remember what he had to do here (because he knew there was something to do, he just couldn't remember...) he saw his grandpa getting in._

"_Oh! Hey Lovi. Back already? Did you get them?"_

_Lovino didn't know what he was supposed to answer. "Them what, gramps?"_

_His grandpa looked at him with mirth in his eyes. "The eggs, Lovi. The eggs."_

_Strangely, it rang a bell in his mind. It made him feel guilty. But why? They were just talking about eggs, right? _

"_..." _

_Dammit. What was he supposed to say?_

_Grandpa's good mood was suddenly ruined. He looked at Lovino straight in the eyes, his face stern. "You told us you'd get us eggs. Lots of them. Why didn't you?"_

_Lovino thought that something was terribly wrong. He felt his throat constrict, and his eyes started stinging. Those stupid eggs were just an excuse, he just needed the time to sort out his thoughts, he had to decide what to do, because he remembered that something was going wrong, and he needed to put it right, but there was no way... no way..._

_His head hurt. His stomach hurt. His back hurt. He couldn't bear it. He had to apologize, to do something, why couldn't he think of anything, just what was he supposed to do... _

Antonio was trying to wake Lovino up. He had started tossing and turning in bed, and by the time Antonio decided to just give him a nice, well-placed blow to the head so that he would finally lie still, Lovino had started talking and crying in his sleep. He was speaking Italian, but Antonio knew enough of the language to understand that Lovino was just giving a lot of urgent apologies. It sounded as if he was apologizing for killing someone, or something.

"Hey, Lovino! Wake up! It's just a dream! Ehy!"

Lovino suddenly opened his eyes. But they were unfocused, as if he was still in some sort of slumber. Still, he looked at Antonio through his hazy eyes and asked in Italian "Antonio? Is that you?"

Antonio swallowed and answered in Italian. "Yes, it's me. Are you ok? You were crying and tossing."

Lovino's eyes were still unfocused. He kept on speaking in Italian. "I'm sorry for the eggs. I just really didn't want you to see them."

Antonio was starting to worry. Was Lovino sick? He sure as hell wasn't making any sense...

"Uh... I guess it's ok, I mean, I don't really care about eggs anyway..."

Suddenly, Lovino's eyes came back into focus.

* * *

><p>Shit! Shit! Shit! He had been talking in his sleep! Had he said something? He jolted upright in the bed and looked at Antonio. Judging by his dumbfounded (but not devastated) face, he must have just said some nonsense.<p>

"Antonio? Why the hell are you staring at me?"

Antonio gave a relieved smile. "Oh! Hey Lovi, you're back to your senses! You were going on about eggs and not wanting me to see them and stuff... are you ok now?"

Lovino looked at Antonio with a confused face. "Uhm... sure. Yes, I'm ok. What time is it?"

Antonio looked at his cellphone on the bedside table. "Six something. We can just go back to sleep..." then he winked. "...or not."

Lovino blushed. "What the hell, you...!"

Antonio got closer and placed his hands on Lovino's thighs. Then he whispered in his ear. "Well, it's still early, we are both awake and we have all the time in the world... why not?"

Lovino wanted the Earth to open up and swallow him. They had all the time in the world? Ah. Yes. How ironic.

"Look, just... no. I don't feel like it."

Antonio looked like he wasn't taking no for an answer. His hands traveled a bit too close to Lovino's vital regions, as he kissed his Lovi on the ear before saying "Well, I could get you in the mood..."

Lovino started to feel unpleasantly hot. Antonio's hands were just all over the place, and they didn't feel as wonderful as usual. It just felt plain bad.

"Ah... Antonio... really, I'm not in the ..."

But Antonio was used to Lovino being bashful, so he didn't think that there was something wrong. But when Lovino snapped, pushed him hard off the bed and shouted "I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF!" before running to the bathroom and locking himself in, Antonio knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

* * *

><p>Yo Antonio, you really can't take no for an answer eh?<p> 


	5. Chapter V

"Lovi? Lovi, please, open the door! I'm sorry! I won't try anything, just get out!"

"..."

Antonio leaned against the door. He hadn't realized how serious Lovi was about not being in the mood. If he had known, he would have kept his hands to himself. He would never force Lovino to do something he didn't want. But usually, when Lovino woke up from a nightmare, he was more than eager for Antonio to comfort him. Antonio sighed, still leaning against the door.

"Lovi, just come out. I'm sorry, I'll sleep on the couch if it makes you feel beter, but just get out from there."

Lovino snorted. Antonio could say whatever he wanted, Lovino was not coming out. Not now. He was a mess. He was crying and his stomachache had come back full force. He was bent over the toilet, unable to stand up or even talk. He knew that Antonio just thought he was giving him the cold shoulder, but at the moment he could think whatever he wanted. As long as he didn't see his pale face contorted in pain over a toilet. If he did, he would know that something was very wrong. But if he didn't, he'd just think that Lovi was having a hissy fit of some sort.

So no, he wasn't coming out. He would just wait until the pain went away, then he would run to the doctor and get a truckload of pain killers. If these attacks became too frequent, there was no way to hide them from people without some sort of drug.

A voice in the back of his mind told him that he couldn't hide it forever.

Lovino scoffed. No way in hell would he be discovered. If that meant soaking his body with drugs or injecting morphine or whatever, he would do it. And besides, "forever" had a new meaning to Lovino now. It only meant "For the next six months or so."

the sound of Antonio pounding the door got him back to reality.

"Lovino! Open this door right now! You can't stay there forever!"

Ah. forever. Again with that hollow word. But, he reasoned, if he wanted to keep Antonio from kicking down the door, he'd better answer.

"Just go back to sleep! I will come out when I feel like it!"

"... Lovi? Are you okay? Your voice is so strained!"

Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

Lovino snarled and tried to steady his voice before retorting something. Goddamn stomachache...

"I'm okay! I just want to be left alone! Is that too much to ask?"

"... Fine. I'll leave you alone. I'm sorry."

With that, Antonio stopped talking. And judging from the sound of his footsteps, he had just gone back to bed.

Lovino couldn't take it anymore. He got up and looked through the cabinets of the bathroom, desperate to find some pain killers. Even aspirin would do. Anything would, as long as he didn't feel the blinding pain in his stomach. Since he couldn't find anything, he silently sneaked out of the bathroom (hoping Antonio didn't hear him) and went for a run. A long run. He probably ran a thousand miles. Probably more. He just kept on running, ignoring the pain and tiredeness. He just went and went until he bumped into a blond, ripped guy that happened to be out jogging for his morning training.

* * *

><p>Ludwig thought that his eyes were playing tricks on him. If not, how could he explain the unbelievable sight in front of him? Lovino (his girlfriend's brother) was apparently out of bed before ten o'clock.<p>

AND he was running.

In his pj's.

He swallowed and tried to be civil. "Uhm... hello, Lovino. How... uhm... nice to see you."

Lovino went from zero to bitch in less than a second. "You! I knew it, you're trying to kill me! Can't a guy just run around without bumping into stupid potato bastards these days?"

Ludwig ignored his outburst. He was used to it. He thought that there were more pressing matters that deserved his attention. "Yes. Uhm... you do know that you're in your pajama, don't you?"

Lovino froze mid-sentence. He looked down at himself. And his cheeks caught fire.

How on Earth could he have gone out without realizing that he was, well, NOT DRESSED!

He just gave a defeated sigh.

"Whatever. No, I didn't know. Thanks for ruining my morning jog, asshole." then, he added without thinking "Is Feli home? She awake?"

Ludwig shrugged. "You're welcome. And yes, Feli is home and awake. Why?"

Lovino huffed. "No reason. Uhm... I'll see you around. Hopefully not, but yeah, I'm down on my luck lately, so I'll probably see you too soon anyway. See ya."

With that, Lovino started walking to Feli's house, which happened to be the potato bastard's too. But he didn't care. He just wanted to see his twin. He didn't know what he would do or say. He just wanted to bask in her air-headedness and cheery attitude for a while. And avoid coming back to Antonio, who was probably going to ask for a reasonable explanation for his outburst. And quite frankly, he had no idea how to justify it.

* * *

><p><em>Woohoo. Ludwig makes his glorious appearance! I just love the guy too much to not have him star in my fics, even if with a minor role and whatnot. He's to cool to ignore.<em>

_BTW, this is the first time ever that I write Lovino. Do you think I made him too mellow? Should he be bitchier? Help me out here XD_


	6. Chapter VI

Antonio had no idea what to do. Lovino had come out of the bathroom, but he wasn't in the house anymore.

This was the second time in two days that Lovino ran out on him. Something must be troubling him really bad. Something was not right.

And Antonio was going to find out what that was. And since Lovino wasn't answering his goddamn cell-phone, he would have to find another way. Deciding that he didn't care about how early in the morning it was, he called Feli, his Lovi's sister. She must know where he was. Or if she didn't know, she'd help Antonio anyway.

* * *

><p>Feli heard someone knock at her door. Wondering who could be at seven in the morning, she went to answer. And seeing her brother in his pajamas and the most unreadable look in the history of forever on his face was not what she expected.<p>

"Ve? Lovi! Just what the …?"

Lovino looked at his feet. "Hey you. Do you still have some of my colthes over here? I need some."

Feli's eyes were still as wide as saucers. "Clothes...? Ah, yes. They're in the closet. Ve, you can take them. But why are you...?"

"... around in my pajama at seven in the morning?" he completed her question.

Feli just nodded.

"Cause I wasn't thinking straight. Now, clothes. Wait for me here while I get changed."

"...ok? Ve, have you had breakfast? You want something to eat?"

Lovino shrugged. "Sure, why not." then he headed for the closet.

Feli got in the kitchen and started warming some milk for breakfast, only to stop halfway because her cell phone was ringing. She wondered who could it be. And seeing that it was Antonio, she quickly answered. Maybe he could explain a thing or two about Lovino's most recent antic.

"Ve? Hallo Toni, how are you?"

A tired voice answered. "Hi Feli. Look, is Lovino there?"

Feli's eyes widened a bit. "Yes, he is. Uhm... did something happen between you guys?"

Antonio's voice became more clipped. "Not really. Look Feli, something's wrong with him."

Feli got worried. "Ve, what do you mean?"

Antonio wasted no time. "I don't know, but yesterday he was in the most miserable mood ever, and he ran out with the excuse of buying eggs and stayed out five hours without answering the phone. And when he was back he gave me flowers and cooked me paella and stuff. But then this morning he had a nightmare, he was talking in his sleep and when I tried to comfort him, he shoved me off the bed and he locked himself in the bathroom! And now he managed to sneak out, and I don't know what the hell is going on!"

Feli checked over her shoulder to see if Lovi was back already.

"... I think I'm going to talk to him. I'll see what he tells me. Do I tell him that you called?"

Antonio paused for a moment. "... no. Yes. no. I don't know. See how it goes, but please, please find out what's wrong. Will you do that for me?"

Feli nodded in the phone. "Sure, ve. Talk to you later, then. Bye."

As soon as she hung up, Lovino came downstairs, finally dressed. Feli took some time to look at him.

He looked like shit.

He had dark rings under his tired, red eyes. His hair was disheveled, and he looked like he had lost some weight.

"Lovi? Breakfast's ready. Sit down, ve."

Lovi just nodded and took a seat at the kitchen table. "Thanks." he mumbled. But he didn't eat. He was just playing with his teaspoon and cookies, not dipping them in the milk like he always did.

"Ve, Lovi. What's the matter? You look really bad."

Lovino got defensive. "I'm fine, okay? I just had a fight with Antonio this morning! That's it!"

Feli's ears perked up. "A fight? Why? What happened?"

Lovino started crumbling the cookie in his hand. "Nothing. I was stupid. He was being too clingy and I shoved him off the bed. That's it."

Feli didn't think he was telling her all of the truth. "Ve, just that? Then why do you look so guilty right now?"

Lovino winced. That was it. Feli had hit a nerve.

"I don't feel guilty about shit, ok? I don't have to explain everything to everyone! You guys have no idea! You have no fucking clue! So get off my case! I'm fine as can be, and if I feel like throwing a bitchy fit sometimes, then I'll fucking throw it! And don't give me that look! I hate it when you give me that look, dammit!"

Feli looked away, trying to replace the shocked look in her eyes with something else.

"... I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry, ve, I just wanted to know if everything was cool."

Lovino gave a long sigh. "... yeah, sure. I'm sorry too. I overreacted. It's just... it's a bad time. It'll be over soon."

With that, Lovino tried to smile. Feli smiled back, and the two twins had their beakfast. Or rather, Feli had breakfast, while Lovino simply sipped his warm milk.

* * *

><p>Lovino stayed with Feli for some time. He just wanted to be with her, talk to her about whatever came to mind, he just wanted to be in her company. Feli always managed to cheer him up when things were wrong. And this time too, even if she could not do anything, she managed to make him feel better.<p>

As Feli chatted on, Lovi looked at her. He took in every aspect of her. Her hair. Her eyes. Her lips. Her hands. Everything about her seemed to be in a good mood. Lovi sighed in relief. He would have to make sure that Feli stayed that happy even after he di... passed. Seriosuly, there must be something he could do to keep that cheery smile on her face.

"... but, ve, I think that's just plain stupid! Right, Lovi?"

Lovi said nothing, but continued to stare. Feli blinked. He looked as if he was on another planet.

"Ve? Lovi, were you even listening? Hello?"

Lovi jerked. He had no idea what Feli had asked of him.

"Uh, no, sorry, I got distracted for a moment. You were saying?"

Feli laughed. "Ve, you're so silly at times!"

But before she started speaking again, the door opened to reveal someone Lovino didn't really want to see. The potato bastard.

And judging by the resigned look of his eyes, the macho potato knew who he would find when he got home. But he stayed civil nonetheless.

"Hi Feli, hi Lovino. Glad to see you're dressed now."

Feli tried not to giggle while Lovino blushed.

"Hey! It's not like I was naked or shit!"

Ludwig shrugged and got in the kitchen. Feli went to hug and kiss him like every morning.

Lovino made a mock gagging sound.

"Eeeew! Feli, he's been out running. He reeks of sweat! How can you touch and kiss him?"

Ludwig looked a bit offended, but Feli kept on smiling. "Ve, Lovi, don't tell me you've never kissed a sweaty person, because I really don't think so, ve!"

Lovino blushed. Stupid not-so-oblivious little sister!

"Umpf, whatever. I think i'll go home now. See you, Feli. Take a shower, potato bastard."

Feli laughed and Ludwig simply sighed.

* * *

><p><em>Aaaand here we go, sixth chapter. Thanks for the reviews, guys! =D<em>


	7. Chapter VII

Lovino slapped his cheeks. Focus, focus, focus. Now, he had gone to the doctor and got some pain killers that should be able to carry him through a day without having to kneel in front of the toilet. And he had had to talk to Antonio over the phone, but he thought he made a good job of apologizing. If he was going to pretend that everything was cool, he couldn't just shove Antonio off of him when he was getting affectionate. And besides, this was what Lovino wanted. To carry on with life as if nothing had happened. So, why not starting now.

He held up the pills in his hand and swallowed two. As he did, his mind went back to the chat he had with the doctor.

* * *

><p>"<em>Mr Vargas, I cannot give you pain killers this strong if you're not going to get treatment."<em>

_Lovino wanted to scream. "Look, treatment or not, I'm going to die. And since I decided to go without treatment, I need to keep up an image of being somewhat healthy till the day I die. That means I will need some goddamned pain killers to get me through a day. Will you just prescribe them already!"_

_The doctor shook his head. "Mr Vargas, if I was your father, or your friend, I would be heartbroken about this."_

_Lovino looked unsure for a moment. "About this what?"_

_The doctor sighed. "About this whole hiding thing. Pain killers or not, you're going to break down one day. And when that day comes, all of your loved ones will simply ask themselves why you doidn't tell them about your disease. And that can only end in one way. Which is very, very, very bad."_

_Lovino swallowed. He paused for a moment before speaking. _

"_It's ok. I'll leave behind something so that they understand why I did this. I want to spend these last months in happiness, not circled by crying people. It's okay. I'll make it."_

_The doctor said nothing. He just sighed, sat down at his desk and filled in a prescription for Vicodin. _

* * *

><p>Lovino felt like the pain had finally, finally gone away. He felt free. All of a sudden, trying to pretend that everything was fine didn't look like a daunting task anymore. He could do this. He knew he could.<p>

As he walked home, he lingered on another part of the conversation he had with the doctor. The one about leaving something behind for friends and family where he explained all of this. He could write a letter, but then again, he hated writing. He needed to find a way, any way to leave behind a message. He just had to think about something that would be both practical and easy to make. He had to find a way. Antonio deserved to know the truth. And Feli, and Belle. They deserved it.

* * *

><p>Antonio was relieved. Really, he was. Lovino had answered his phone call in the end, had apologized and said that as soon as he got home he would "make it up to him". Honestly, Antonio didn't care for that. He just wanted to have his Lovino back home and hug the hell out of him. So when he came home, he did.<p>

* * *

><p>Lovino hadn't expected it. Or better, he had expected a bone crushing hug, but not the apologies that came from Antonio.<p>

"Loviiiii! I'm sorry for this morning! I'll never do it again! I loooove you!"

Lovino coughed and tried to keep a straight face. "Uhm... it's kinda ok. It was my fault, I exaggerated. I was just not in the mood, I had had a bad dream and... you know..."

Antonio kept on hugging his lover, nuzzling his hair. "I don't care. Now you're back, and guess what, I made you pizza!"

Lovino tried to hide his chuckle. Antonio couldn't make pizza if his life depended on it. But hey. He had tried, right? "Alright, alright. Let's just eat then."

Antonio finally released Lovino, gave him a kiss square on the lips and went off to set the table in the kitchen. As he had his back turned, Lovino sneaked to the bathroom and hid the vicodin in the highest shelf of the cabinet. He'd have to look for a better place later, but for now it would do. He really needed to find a safe hiding place, because from now on, pain killers were not the only thing he'd be concealing from Antonio. And he'd be damned if Antonio discovered a single speck of the truth before the day he was pushing daisies.

That was a fucking fact.

* * *

><p>Since Antonio had cooked a (crappy) pizza, Lovino decided that it was up to him to wash the dishes. So he did, while Antonio sat at the kitchen table talking.<p>

"I was thinking, why don't we go on a vacation some weekend?"

Lovino's ears perked up. Vacation? It didn't sound half bad...

"A vacation? Where?"  
>Antonio gave his goofiest smile. "Wherever, as long as I get to be with you!"<p>

Lovino blushed for all he was worth.

"That was the cheesiest, corniest thing you could say. I hope you realize it."

Antonio kept his grin in place.

"I knoooooow. But cheesy is good. Why don't we go to the south of Spain, or Sicily? I could use a break from the cold."

Lovino thought about it. Spain or Sicily meant catching a plane. Catching a plane meant declaring that he was carrying opiate drugs on himself. Declaring that meant that Antonio would think that he was either

a drug addict

really stupid

in need of strong pain relief

No. it wouldn't work.

"It sounds half way nice. But it's too far away. We could just go to Paris. So we can get there by train, spend a couple of days and be back."

Antonio kept on smiling. "Paris? Don't you always say that it's a stupid city?"

Lovino looked very hard at the soapy dish he was washing. "I know, it's stupid. But it's got a lot of... uhm... Italian art in the museums. And the food is not all that bad. And... and I've never been there."

Antonio laughed. "Ok, then, Lovinito. We'll go to Paris. We'll have a blast! I'll ask for a two day permit at work, and you will too, right?"

Lovino scoffed. "Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever."

Antonio got up and went to hug Lovino from behind, resting his head on top of the shorter man.

"I love you."

Lovino blushed. He turned around and hugged Antonio fiercely.

Antonio looked a bit surprised.

"Lovi...?"

Lovino buried his face in the Spaniard's chest and mumbled "Shut up. I'm trying to crack your ribs here."

Antonio laughed and hugged Lovino back. But he was speechless when he heard what Lovi said in his chest.

"I know it doesn't always look like I... you know... lo-love you, but you know that I do. I know you know. I'm sorry if I'm bitchy and whiny and hissy and I throw tantrums sometimes. But I... I would never leave you willingly, you know? I want to be with you... uhm... kind of... forever. I know you know. But I wanted to say it once."

Then Lovino looked up in Antonio's shocked eyes. "But don't get used to this, ok! It was a once in a lifetime confession, and if you have the guts to tell a single soul about this, i'm going to grab your balls and tear them off! _Capisci_?"

Antonio's shocked expression morphed into a loving, kind one. He cupped Lovino's cheeks in his hands and said "Of course, lovely Lovi. Your secret is safe with me. I'll take it to my grave."

Lovino closed his eyes. "I'm sorry if I shoved you off of me this morning. But, if you feel like it... if you're not angry... we could... uhm..."

Antonio silenced him with a fiery kiss.

* * *

><p><em>seventh chapter. woohoo! <em>


	8. Chapter VIII

Lovino woke up feeling like a boneless blob. He turned around to see if Antonio was still in bed or if he had gotten up already. But of course he hadn't. He was still sleeping and snoring like a motherfucking tractor by his side.

Lovino looked away from him. Last night had been...

Passionate.

There was no other way to describe it. It was probably the best night they'd had in months. And the nights they had before were something, so that made Lovino feel really good about it.

But Lovino's feel-good moment was short lived. He felt the onset of a new attack. The one that had made him go for a run in his pajamas.

He ran to the bathroom as fast as he could without waking Antonio in the process. He spent the next hour or so bent in two by the toilet, unable to even get up and grab his motherfucking pills.

Damn it. He'd have to find a new hiding place. Possibly not so high up and easily reachable. Anything would do. Just anything.

As he was clutching his stomach in hope to just die then, Lovino heard Antonio knock at the door.

"Lovi?" he yawned and then asked sleepily "Lovi, open up, I need the bathroom..."

DAMN DAMN DAMN SHIT AND FUCK were the only words running through Lovino's mind. He took a few deep breaths and steadied his voice before answering "I'm coming, i'm coming. Gimme five minutes."

Antonio yawned again. "Seriously Lovi, why do you keep locking the door when you go to the bathroom. As if I don't see you naked already."

Lovino silently thanked God for his habit, because if he never locked the door, he would have looked suspicious as hell now.

"That's never gonna change. Accept it." Then he got up, reached for his pills, swallowed two, hid them again and opened the door. Luckily, Lovino was always in a foul mood in the morning, so Antonio did not question his tight expression.

Antonio gave him a good morning kiss. "Morning, Lovi."

Lovino really wanted to reciprocate the gesture, but he really needed a place to lie in while waiting for the pain killers to kick in. He just gave Antonio a peck on the lips before going back to bed. Luckily, this morning things were smooth. Lovino should start looking for a way to avoid the morning attacks, or sooner or later he was going to be discovered. Maybe he could take his pills in the dead of the night. Or something.

* * *

><p>It was Lovino's day off, and with Antonio gone he had the whole house for himself. But while before he was glad to just laze around on his couch, now he felt like he was wasting his precious time. He would have to do something. Anything.<p>

As he sat up on the couch, he thought about Belle. It had been two weeks since they last saw each other. Why not seeing each other now? After all, it was Belle's day off too. Maybe they could hang out together...

* * *

><p>Belle was in the middle of watching a stupid movie when her cell phone rang. Seeing that it was Lovino, she happily answered.<p>

"Hello there, _schatje_. What's up?"

She chuckled as she heard Lovino cringe over the phone.

"Seriously Belle, why do you keep calling me that of all names. It means "cutie" in Dutch! Can't you call me... I don't know... stud, or something?"

Belle laughed out loud in the phone. "Stud? You? No way. You're my schatje, and you know it!"

Lovino sighed. "Fine, whatever. Look, it's your day off and mine too. If you're not doing anything, why don't we hang out today? It's been too long, honestly."

Belle turned off the tv as she answered "Why, that's actually a good idea! I was just lazing around anyway. Where, what and when?"

Lovino chuckled. She always said "where, what and when" every single time they decided to do something together. And he would always answer in the same way.

"Where: central park of the city. What: I don't know. When: in half an hour. That cool?"

Belle held the phone between her ear and shoulder as she started looking for a pair of decent shoes.

"That cool. See you there. Sharp on time, ok?"

"Aren't I always on time. _Tot ziens, Belle._"

"_Tot ziens, schatje!"_ and before Lovino could protest at her nickname, she hung up.

* * *

><p>Belle was always telling him how he should be less of a couch potato and cycle to places instead of driving, so he decided to follow her advice. He got his bike (a present from Belle) out of the garage and started cycling towards the park. As he arrived, he checked the time. Five minutes too early. Knowing Belle, she would show up next to the fountain. As he cycled towards it, he took some time to look at it. He had never noticed how beautiful that fountain was. Surely it was worth a picture or two. Well, he had brought a camera with him, so why not.<p>

* * *

><p>As Belle got off the bike, she saw that Lovino was busy taking pictures of the fountain. Which was strange. He had never even looked at it, so why taking pictures now?<p>

"Hey, schatje! Why are you taking pictures of the fountain?"

Lovino turned around and waved, gesturing for her to come closer.

"I don't know, it just looks kinda cool. Hey, do we even have a picture together in front of it?"

Belle answered as she chained her bike to a pole. "Uhm... no, actually I don't think we have one. We could take one now..."

Lovino nodded and took Belle's arm, made her sit down on the edge of the fountain next to him and held the camera high. Belle looked at it with a smile, holding her arm around Lovino's shoulder.

As they watched how it came out, Belle went beet red. "Noooo, I look stupid in this one! Erase it, erase it!"

Lovino laughed. The picture looked really nice. He had caught Belle as she was still preparing for the pose, with her mouth open. Honestly, it was a beautiful picture.

"No, I'll keep it. It looks cool. I love it when I get you by surprise!"

Belle simply pouted before asking Lovino "Well, we're here now. What are we up to?"

Lovino shrugged. "I don't know, but it's really cold out here. Why don't we go to a bar? I feel like hot chocolate."

* * *

><p>"... and then he told me that I should just pay him back. Pay him back, you hear? As if!"<p>

Lovino sighed. Belle was telling him about her last date with that guy from the Netherlands that she was seeing.

"Look, Belle. Just let it go. You know that the guy is a cheapskate, so just get used to it."

Belle pouted. "But it's not fair! He invited me out, so he should have to pay! Honestly! If I didn't like him so much, I would kick his ass!"

Lovino chuckled. "I know you would. But let's face it: the guy likes you enough to spend his money on restaurants. And he'll probably get better over time. Just give him a chance, will you."

Belle was sipping her hot chocolate as Lovino spoke, but she froze in the motion when he was done talking.

"Lovino? Did you just tell me that I should give Jan a chance...?"

Lovino blushed and looked away as he spoke. "Yeah, I mean, you know I'm not that fond of the guy, but I can tell that he really likes you. And you know you like him too. So, even if he is a cheapskate, give him a chance. I'm sure he'll make you happy. Well, he'll try, that's for sure."

Belle looked at Lovino as if he was a ghost. Then she smiled.

"You're right. I should give him a chance. He does make me happy, after all..."  
>Lovino looked back at her. He knew that Belle was not hung up on him (hell, it had been seven years since their breakup!), but he also knew that she had trouble finding someone new in her life. Sometimes, Lovino thought about their relationship. It had been a fun, nice, good one, but it had always been more of a very close friendship than actual love. So when they broke up, it was with no hatred or screaming or weeping. And they had managed to keep being best friends. Lovino was actually happier that way, and he was sure that Belle was too. But he had been lucky, because he had Antonio. Belle instead had not found soemone yet, and she had too much self-respect to just pursue a meaningless relationship. So, if she had started seeing that Dutch guy, it meant that she thought he was worth her effort. So, why let it all go down the drain just because the Dutch liked to save his pennies?<p>

"That's what I mean." then, he added teasingly "I know that he won't be as good as I am, but maybe, just maybe, he could be half way decent."

Belle laughed. "Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that!"

Lovino drank the last of his hot chocolate and stood up. "Well, since I'm a gentleman, I'll pay for your hot chocolate. So you can't go around saying that Lovino Vargas is a stingy bastard."

Belle got up with him and elbowed him playfully in the ribs. "Why, schatje, you're quite the gentleman indeed. How about going for a bike ride, now?"

* * *

><p><em>Eh. It was time to introduce Belle. I really like her character, and there was a time I was a romabel shipper. I still ship them, but I think that Antonio just suits Lovi more. But nnngh he was his guardian. That's why I like spamano AUs way more XD<em>

_By the way, I'm writing another spamano fic "part of your world". Guess what: a fem!mermaid!Lovi that falls in love with a lifeguard!Antonio. Shameless self-advertising. XD_


	9. Chapter IX

Antonio got home to find Lovino and his best friend, of whom he was _not at all_ jealous, sitting on the couch in the middle of watching some movie.

"Hi there, Lovi, Belle."

Both Lovino and Belle turned around on the couch to face the Spaniard.

"Hello, you."

"Hi, Antonio!"

Antonio walked to the couch to get a closer look at the movie that was playing on TV.

"Seriously, guys? Are you watching 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' _again_?"

Lovino got defensive "Well, what's the matter? It's a cool movie!"

Belle went on "Even if it doesn't end like it should, it's still cool, and we'll watch it again and again!"

Antonio spread his arms in a theatrical gesture as he spoke. "Whatever. But you know it by heart by now."

Belle just stuck his tongue out at him. "So what?"

Antonio shrugged. "Nothing. You wanna stay for dinner?"

"No, actually, I'm going out tonight."

Lovino snickered. "You have a date with the Dutch, don't you!"

Belle blushed a bit. "Well... yes. So, I'll see you around Lovi. Antonio, see you too!"

As Antonio waved, Lovino escorted Belle to the door.

"Hey. It was a... kinda nice day today. I really liked hanging out with you."

Belle smiled and said with mock intensity. "Me too. But work is always in the way of our friendship!"

Lovino sighed. "I know. But it's cool anyway. Hope to have another day like this soon. See you, Bells."

Belle kissed him on the cheek before answering "I know. Today was cool. See you, schatje!" and with that, she was on her way.

* * *

><p>Lovino came back to the living room to find Antonio sprawled on the couch.<p>

"So, you hung out with Belle today?"

Lovino sat down on the opposite side of the couch.

"Yes. It was cool. Belle is one of a kind, really."

Antonio straightened a bit in the couch. "You know, that could make me jealous."

Lovino snorted. "Oh please. You know I don't love her like that."

Antonio sat up fully straight and got closer to Lovino. "Like that, Lovi?"

Lovino blushed. "You know what I mean, bastard."

Then he started feeling an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

Antonio smiled and hugged Lovino. "I know what you mean..."

Lovino's expression was starting to tighten. He needed to get away, ASAP. Or he would have an attack right there in front of Antonio.

"Stop right there, you. We have dinner to prepare before you start getting all clingy."

Antonio kept on smiling, but unraveled Lovino from the hug. "Sure thing. But later... later you're all mine!"

Lovino got up from the couch and made his way to the stairs. "Yeah, yeah, now if you'll excuse me, I have to put powder on my nose."

* * *

><p>Lovino got in the bathroom and went straight for the pain killers. He had felt the attack coming while Antonio was hugging him, and if he wanted to have dinner instead of spending the evening clutching his stomach and hoping to just die already, he needed those goddamn pills. He locked himself in the bathroom and took the usual two. He sat down on the toilet as he waited for them to kick in, hugging his legs close to his chest.<p>

Today had been a beautiful day. Spending time with his best friend was always beautiful. And he had made a few more happy memories with Belle. That was something that he should keep working on.

As the pain started to fade, Lovino got up from the toilet and washed his face in the sink. He looked at himself in the mirror before going out, and he thought his reflection was looking at him with disappointed eyes.

Lovino looked away and got out of the bathroom. Surely it was just a side effect from the drugs.

* * *

><p>Some time had passed. Lovino was very glad to see that his plan was working. He had managed to take his pain killers so that they would already act during an attack, thus not feeling the pain anymore. He was still losing weight, but at a slower rate. He was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't going to really die in a matter of months. He was still able to work and have fun with his friends. He could still nag at Feli. He was still able to make love with Antonio.<p>

He could make it. He really could.

And today he had a doctor's appointment, but he had scheduled it so that Antonio would not be home by the time he went and came back, so that was taken care of. Today he would tell the doctor how wrong he had been. He wasn't really going to die, he was just going to feel a bit crappy, but he could go on. He wanted to show his doctor how much progress he was making, so that he would stop looking at Lovino with those hopeless, silent eyes.

God, those eyes. How much he hated them.

* * *

><p>Antonio hummed happily as he juggled the grocery bags and his keys to get home. Today had been a nice day. He worked as a kindergarten teacher, and today they had gone on a field trip. Antonio smiled as he remembered the big smiles and eyes full of wonder of his children (he always called them "his" even though they obviously weren't).<p>

"Lovi, yoohoo! I'm home! How was your day?"

Seeing that he got no answer, he looked around the house.

But Lovi wasn't home. Which was kinda strange... today the restaurant was closed, so Lovino didn't have to go to work. Where could he be?

* * *

><p>Lovino just wanted to kill himself. He didn't feel like going on anymore. Not after his afternoon at the doctor's.<p>

"_Mr Vargas. Please take a seat."_

_Lovino sat down, brimming with confidence. _

"_Hello, doctor. Now, before you say anything, I want to tell you that I'm perfectly fine. Those pain killers are really working wonders! I can go through a day without the pain, and I can finally eat something, and actually, I think I've gotten better!"_

_The doctor shook his head in resignation. _

"_Mr Vargas, I have the results of your latest tests. I don't know why you think that everything is fine, but it isn't. The metastasis are spreading. If you would just start the therapy..."_

_Lovino's tongue clicked impatiently. "I told you, I'm not starting a therapy. But it's fine. I'm doing well. I can make it. No one has the faintest idea of what's going on."_

_The doctor tried his hardest not to laugh in his patient's face. _

"_Mr Vargas, you are kidding yourself. You are not well. You only think you're getting better because you keep on swallowing six pills of vicodin per day. They obviously keep the pain at bay, but sooner or later your body will get used to it, and then you'll realize how serious the situation is."_

_Lovino looked away. "Just renew my prescription, doctor. I can make it."_

_The doctor suddenly stood up, making Lovino jump a bit in surprise. _

"_You don't understand. As soon as your body won't feel the effects of the vicodin anymore, you'll realize in how much pain you really are. You, Mr Vargas, are trying to ignore the fact that you are dying. You have surrendered before even starting to fight. Believe me when I say that you will regret this very, very, very much."_

_That struck a nerve in Lovino. "How dare you say that! I didn't surrender! I'm fighting! I'm fighting so hard! What do you know about how much effort it takes me to just live a goddamn day? What do you know?"_

_The doctor stood his ground. "Mr Vargas. You are running away. You don't want to face the consequences of what's happening to you. You're turning a blind eye on this whole matter. You are betraying yourself and everyone that loves you. And the worst part is that you do realize this. You realize it very well."_

_Lovino hid his face in his hands. Goddamn doctor. He was doing so well. Why couldn't he shut his trap? _

_He took a few deep breaths before speaking again._

"_My prescription, please."_

Damn that fucking doctor to hell and back. Why did he have to shatter his resolve now of all times? Now that he was doing so well...!

Lovino just headed towards his bike (he had started using it a whole lot more lately) and pedaled home furiously, as if he wanted to burn a trail in the street. He didn't even realize what he was doing. He didn't until he opened his door and found out a smiling Antonio cleaning the kitchen and humming a tune.

Lovino raced out the door as silently as he could.

He wanted to shout. Wasn't Antonio supposed to be home later today? He couldn't face him now! He could face no one now! Why, why, why would nothing work the way he wanted today?

Deciding that his house was now off-limits, he took his bike and decided to go for a long, long ride. Possibly to Alaska, or Australia.

_I'm running again._

Lovino gave himself a sound slap. He wasn't running. He was just protecting the people he knew.

Right?

But in the end, it was alright. Lovino stayed out one more hour or so, and when Antonio had called to know just where on Earth he was he had managed to sound normal. And when he came home, he bore no traces of his previous despair.

If he was going to lie, might as well do it decently.

* * *

><p><em>ANd one more chapter is done, folks! Stay tuned. And drop a review if you enjoyed it XD<em>


	10. Chapter X

"Alright, that's it for the night. See you guys tomorrow."

_Finally_, thought Lovino. Another day of work was over. But as he took off his chef hat and stepped out of the restaurant, he saw someone he really didn't expect to see at midnight in front of his restaurant.

Feli.

And she looked very troubled.

Lovino's mind started going at a thousand miles per hour. Had she discovered something? Did the blasted doctor call her and tell her?

He swallowed hard before speaking.

"Uhm... _Ciao_, Feli. How... uhm... good to see you he..."

He couldn't finish his sentence. As soon as Feli saw him, she sprinted to him full force, tackled him in a hug and started crying in his chest.

Lovino's mind short-circuited right then.

_She knows! _Was the only thing running through his mind.

"Lovi, Lovi, veee, I need to talk to you! Please! It's urgent!"

Lovino swallowed hard yet again. He tried not to stutter as he spoke.

"I.. sure, I guess. Come in the restaurant. No one's here now. We can … uhm … talk there."

Feli let him out of the hug and nodded, sniffing all the while.

Lovino made her sit down and quickly made some hot tea for the two of them. Feli took her cup and smiled her thank you. Even if she was crying.

Lovino on the other hand was already starting to look for excuses. What should he say?

_Whatever, it's not like it's that serious anyway._

_Mind your own fucking business._

_Get off my case, I'll be fine._

_I did it because I didn't want to make you guys worry about me._

_I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to cry._

_Please forgive me._

Shit. None of those would work. Feli was going to be so disappointed in him, and she would surely tell Antonio, and then Antonio would be torn between killing him with his bare hands or beheading him with an axe. Well, one thing was for sure. If Feli knew, then there was no way in Hell that Lovino would stay. He'd just catch the first train going somewhere and wait to die somewhere on his own.

If that happened, then all his effort until then would become useless.

Shit, shit, shit.

He swallowed (again) and tried to sound normal when he spoke.

"So, uhm... what's the matter, Feli?"

Feli sniffled again. She was looking at her cup and it seemed she had no intention of speaking. But in the end she did.

"I'm in trouble, Lovi. Ve, I messed up real bad."

Lovino suddenly felt ten years younger. She had not found out! She had no idea! She was worried about something else! Yes! Whatever that was, there surely would a solution!

Lovino allowed himself a discreet air-punch while Feli was focused on her cup.

"Oh! Okay then! Don't worry, I'm sure it's not that bad. What's it about?"

It was Feli's turn to swallow now.

"I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. Ve, it just happened, I still don't know how I could have been this stupid! Oh God!"

She took her head in her hands.

"Ludwig is going to be furious when he finds out. No, ve, he will be disappointed. That's even worse! How can I tell him?"

Lovino thought that he must be hearing things. Judging by the way Feli was talking, it sounded as if she had done something really, really stupid. Like cheating on the macho potato. Which simply couldn't happen, since Feli was so in love with the potato. But, if the way she was speaking was anything to go by...

Lovino held silent for a bit.

"Feli... how can you tell him what? I have no idea what you are talking about here."

Feli sniffed again. Then a new bout of tears hit her.

"Ve, I don't know how it happened! Ludwig's right, I'm an airhead! I can't do anything right! There's no solution to this! There's nothing I can do! I got myself in a world of trouble! And Ludwig! He's gonna... he's gonna... I don't even know!"

Lovino let her cry for a bit. She surely had messed things up to be crying like that. But surely there was a solution. The potato bastard did love Feli, and if she was honest to him and told him the truth, whatever it was, he would forgive her. Maybe. Unless she had cheated on him with the older potato bastard, in which case, he had to admit, he'd understand if he never wanted to see Feli again. But that too was downright impossible... the older potato was smitten with his Hungarian girlfriend, Elizaveta...

Trying not to think about how "telling the truth" was the best solution, he decided that Feli had cried enough. And he was getting curious anyway.

"Alright, now that you've flooded this poor restaurant in tears, why don't you tell me what's wrong before I decide to swim home."

Feli stopped crying in the end. She took a deep sigh.

Lovino swallowed in anticipation.

Feli sighed again and looked down.

"I'm pregnant."

"You see, it's not that bad, you just apologize and... and... WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!"

Feli kept on looking down.

"You heard me."

She closed her eyes and hid her face in her hands. She had needed to tell someone, but maybe Lovino was not the best choice. Lovino would want to kill both Ludwig and herself. Lovino wouldn't be too happy about it. Lovino would start ranting about how young she was, and that she wasn't married yet, and that Ludwig was the worst father a poor kid could ever get and other terrible things.

"But... this... this is wonderful, Feli!"

Feli winced. "I know, I'm sorr..." then her brother's words sank in. "... what did you just say?" she asked, completely baffled.

Lovino got up from his chair and hugged Feli tight.

"This is wonderful! You're gonna have a baby! I'm gonna be an uncle! This is so cool! Everything will be alright! It's unexpected, but it's cool nonetheless! Just you wait till that macho potato knows! He'll be overjoyed, I'm sure! How far along are you? When did you discover it? You think it's a boy or a girl?"

Feli tried to breathe through the bear hug.

"Ung... Lovi... ve, I can't breath..."

Lovino released her at once. He was red in the face and was talking fast.

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't want to crush you. But it's wonderful! You should be happy! There's no need to be anxious, you'll see, it'll be fine! How can it not be? You're going to be the best mom ever! I know it!"

Finally, Feli allowed herself a smile. Lovino's good mood and elated reaction made her feel like she had been worrying for nothing. Why had she been so scared about it?

"Ve, you're right! It'll be fine! I can do this! Ludwig will understand!"

Lovino flashed her a toothy grin.

"Course he will, just wait and see! And you can do it. You have it in you, I'm sure! You're going to have the most beautiful baby ever!"

then he added as an afterthought "... though I'm sure that just to spite me, it will look like the macho potato... damn, I can already see it! A blond, blue eyed baby boy with a curl! Damn! You'll have to teach him Italian and cook him a lot of pasta, or he'll end up being a clone of Ludwig!"

Feli laughed whole-heartedly. "Don't worry, ve, I'll try!"

Lovino kept on talking. "That's just... wow. That's really good news, Feli. Don't let anything spoil it. It will be alright. Trust me when I say that it will. I know."

* * *

><p>Antonio looked at clock. One o'clock. Normally Lovino would be home at around half past midnight on a weekday.<p>

He sighed and turned in bed. He just couldn't sleep until Lovino was home.

Well, since he was awake, might as well do something. He got out of bed and went to the living room, sitting down on the couch and opening a random magazine. As he was looking for an interesting article, he heard the door opening.

He looked over his shoulder to see a giddy-faced Lovino.

"Lovino? Why that smile?"

Lovino looked at Antonio, keeping up his smile all the while.

"Hey. You know you don't have to wait for me to come home."

Antonio shook his head.

"I can't help it. But tell me, why so happy? Did something good happen?"

Lovino went to the couch and leaned on the backrest so that his face was close to Antonio's.

"Yes. Something really good happened tonight."

Antonio reached for Lovino's hair and started petting it. "And what would that be, _mi vida_?"

Lovino blushed a bit, but smiled broadly.

"I'm gonna be an uncle."

Antonio stopped suddenly. He looked at Lovino with wide eyes.

"You can't possibly mean...!"

Lovino's smile widened. "Yes! Feli's having a baby! That's so cool!"

Antonio got up and hugged Lovino.

"That's great news! You're gonna have a nephew! Or niece! Congratulations! That's wonderful!"

Lovino hugged his lover back. "I know. That baby will be the most beautiful brat the world has ever seen! How can he not be? He's related to me, after all!"

Antonio laughed and unravelled Lovino from the hug.

"Honestly, Lovi, you're taking this so well. I thought you would have thrown a fit about it. You've never liked Ludwig, and Feli is just 23..."

Lovino shrugged.

"Whatever. It's not like _I_ have to put up with him, and if Feli thinks that he's the one, then what can I do. Besides, even if he is a macho German potato bastard, he's a … uhm... halfway decent guy, and I'm sure he'll try his best to be a good dad. And Feli is 23, not 16. She is an adult, has a job and a house. Whatever happens, she's going to be able to provide for the kid. And just wait and see, that German potato is going to propose to her within the end of the week. Goddamnit."

Antonio cupped Lovino's cheeks and leaned his forehead against the Italian's.

"I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you're being really optimistic. I wonder what changed?"

Lovino looked away from Antonio's eyes, but didn't try to get away.

"... life's too short to be pessimistic."

And with that, he kissed Antonio on the cheek and went for the bathroom.

* * *

><p><em>A little chapter to distract Lovino from his death-induced bad mood XD<em>


	11. Chapter XI

"Lovi? Lovi, just what are you doing in that bathroom! Belle's gonna show up any moment!"

Lovino cursed. Shit. He knew they were gonna be late, but he had had an unexpected attack of back and stomachache. He had had to run to the bathroom, swallow his goddamned pills and sit on the toilet hugging his legs to his chest until they finally started to kick in.

Goddamnit. The attacks were getting more frequent and more painful. He would have to go to the doctor again, and ask him for something stronger. Vicodin didn't seem to cut it anymore.

But for the weekend, he had to resist. This was going to be the last vacation of his life. Well, more like week-end, but still. It had to be perfect. It had to be beautiful. So he summoned all of his strength before speaking.

"I know, I'm done, gimme five minutes! Is Belle there yet?"

"No, but... oh shit, she's here! Get out of that bathroom, will you!"

Lovino took a lot of deep breaths through his teeth. Finally the drugs were starting to work! He got up and out of the bathroom, got his suitcase, hid a whole fucking stash of pills in it (he really hoped that no one would find them out, or he would have looked like a junky or a goddamn drug dealer or something) and dashed downstairs.

"Schatje! Finally! Honestly, you're worse than a girl when it comes to the bathroom!"  
>Lovino scoffed. "What-evah, Bells. I, unlike other men, take pride in my appearance."<p>

Antonio looked at his watch and said "Well kids, if we don't want to be late, we have to go NOW. Leave your stupid quarrels for later, will you."

* * *

><p>Antonio and Belle were chatting happily during the ride to the train station. Lovino was sitting in the backseat, and took some time to watch their interactions. They seemed normal, like two people that liked each other enough to spend a car ride together. Lovino was glad about it. He really wanted those two to get along. Seeing that what had happened between Lovino and Belle was as good as dead and buried by now, he wanted Antonio and Belle to be good friends again.<p>

Antonio had always known Belle. In fact, he knew her far longer than Lovino. It was Antonio that had introduced the two of them back in high school. Back then, Lovino was still just an immature kid, and when he saw Belle, he developed the biggest crush on her in a matter of days. And since she seemed to find him very cute, they had started going out.

He couldn't remember Antonio's reaction. He knew for a fact that Antonio had not told Belle how he felt about Lovino, and Lovino had no idea that Antonio was actually in love with him.

Lovino didn't like to think that he had broken the poor Spaniard's heart. But it didn't matter anymore now. They were together, and surely he and Belle could be good friends again when he was gone.

Maybe.

He suddenly felt his cheek being poked.

"Hey! What's your problem!"

Oh. it had been Antonio. Obviously, since Belle was driving.

"_Querido_, we're at the station. You have to get out of the car."

Lovino looked out of the window. Shit, he really had been on another planet not to notice that they were already there!

"Oh... oh! Gimme a minute!"

Belle turned around in her seat and gave Lovino a kiss on each cheek.

"You guys have fun in Paris, ok?"

Lovino shrugged. "Yeah, how can anyone have fun in a place full of French people. But anyway, thank you for driving us to the station. I'll see you when I'm back."

* * *

><p>"The bed is MINE!" shouted Lovino as they entered their hotel room after a long trip by train.<p>

Antonio chuckled. "Lovi, that bed is mine too, just so you know."

Lovino threw himself face down on the king sized bed. Maybe they had gone a bit overboard with this vacation, what with staying in a luxury hotel and things. But whatever. It was his last vacation.

"It can be yours all you want, but now it's mine. I claim it for the Republic of Italy. You can sleep in the bathtub."

Antonio laughed and climbed in bed on top of Lovino.

Who obviously blushed.

"What are you doing, bastard..."

Antonio smiled seductively.

"I don't know... what does it look like?"

Lovino put his hand on Antonio's mouth before he got out of control.

"I know what it looks like, but we have a city to visit now."

Antonio kissed the hand that was on his mouth.

"But Lovi, Paris is not going to run away. It's going to be there even if we stay in this hotel for an hour or two... or three..."

Lovino tried to keep his blushing down. Every time Antonio kissed his hands it would make him weak at the knees. It was stronger than him.

"... Antonio... we just have two d-days..."  
>But it looked like Antonio was set in his tracks.<p>

_Well, _thought Lovino, _I guess we can stay in an hour or so..._

* * *

><p>"... and then we turn right and we're there! Come on, come on!"<p>

Antonio chuckled. Lovino looked so happy in the French capital. He still whined about French people, but he was really having a good time. He had dragged Antonio in every museum and showed him proudly the Italian masterworks that were there, explaining every single feature to the Spaniard (Lovino was a bit of an art freak, like his sister). They had a long walk in the _Champs élysées, _where Lovino had dared to take his hand (He was blushing like there was no tomorrow, but he was just soooo cute!), they had eaten _crepes_ in front of the _Arc de Triomphe_, and Antonio was able to steal a kiss in the square in front of the Notre Dame. They had taken dorky pictures in front of _Montmartre_ and Lovino had managed to get into a fight with a French guy in a café over whether it was Italy or France to have the best fashion industry and cuisine. Antonio smiled widely. Seeing Lovino so happy made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Coming, coming. Honestly Lovi, the Tower is not going to run away, you know."

Lovino pouted as he dragged Antonio through the _boulevards_. "Maybe the tower doesn't, but time will! We have to be there in ten minutes so we can see the sunset and Paris by night from there!"

"How – dare I say it in front of you? - _romantic_, Lovi."

Lovino blushed madly. "What the hell bastard, it's not ro-rom-"

Then he bowed his head in defeat. "Ok, so what if it's romantic, it's still cool. But if you don't want to go, you can just wait for me here."

Antonio laughed. "Oh Lovi, no way in hell. I'm coming with you. It's rare for you to be in a romantic mood..."

Lovino turned swiftly to the road, hoping to hide his blush from Antonio. "I'm not in a romantic mood, okay! Paris is just rubbing off on me! And it's just... we will not be alone together in a foreign city again..."

Antonio felt a change in the atmosphere. "... Lovi?"

Lovino was still facing the road and dragging him towards the tower.

"Lovino, what do you mean with that? Of course we're going to take another holiday sooner or later."

* * *

><p>Lovino wanted to bite his tongue off. Why, oh why had he said such a stupid thing. Of course Antonio would want to find out what he meant.<p>

"I know we are."

_Liar._

"But I just meant that since we don't know when we'll have a new vacation, we have to make the most of it now."

_You're getting so good at lying._

Lovino wanted to shut his inner voice up. But he couldn't.

Suddenly, he felt that Antonio stop. No matter how hard he tugged, Antonio stayed put right where he was.

"Lovino. Turn around. Look at me."

Lovino wanted to kick himself. He had to brace himself for whatever Antonio was going to say.

He reluctantly turned around and looked at Antonio's chest.

"My eyes are up here."

Lovino winced. Antonio was starting to sound really serious.

He dared to look in Antonio's green eyes. He could see concern in them.

He said nothing. He waited for him to speak.

"What's wrong, Lovino?"

Lovino shrugged. "Nothing's wrong. You know that."

Antonio kept on looking straight in Lovino's eyes as if he was looking into his brain.

"Lovino. You're a horrible liar."

Lovino gave a mocking snort. Honestly, he thought he had the lying thing down pretty damn well by now.

"Look, what could be wrong? It's cool. I just sounded strange when I said that, but don't worry. You always read too much in what I say anyway."

Antonio kept on staring at him. "... you know you can tell me anything, right?"

Lovino shrugged again and turned around, took Antonio's hand in his and resumed walking and dragging him.

"I know, I know. Just, this time you're just blowing things out of proportion. I just chose my words wrong, it's not like it's a big deal. Now, get a move or we can kiss the Eiffel tower goodbye."

Antonio followed him, and even though Lovino was facing forwards, he could practically feel Antonio's worried gaze boring a hole in the back of his skull.

* * *

><p>"Whew! I'm beat!"<p>

With that, Lovino collapsed on the bed. Minor glitch about "not going to be on vacation together again" aside, today had been wonderful. Paris was a really beautiful city, and he was glad he could see it before he... died. Kinda.

"Me too, Lovi. Oh my God, I need to lie down for a while."

That said, Antonio fell with all of his weight on the bed, making Lovino bounce.

"Hey! Careful with that! You could have, I don't know, bounced me to death or something."

Antonio would have laughed, normally. But this time he turned towards Lovino and looked at him straight in the eyes for the second time in a day.

Lovino felt a storm coming.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

Antonio shook his head no. "No. I'm just watching you. Can't I?"

Lovino blushed and looked directly at the ceiling. "Go ahead and waste your time watching me then."

Antonio shifted closer to Lovino.

"It's no waste of time..."

Lovino sighed. He turned to face Antonio.

"Really. I mean, I know I'm otherworldly cool and stuff, but come on. It's not like I bite if you touch me."

Antonio answered in a tone that Lovino couldn't quite recognize. "No, you'll just shove me off the bed."

Lovino sat up abruptly and got defensive. Was Antonio trying to pick a fight?

"That happened only once! Get over it!"

Antonio didn't move from his position. His green eyes stayed trained on the Italian. He had hit a nerve.

"I know. I didn't mean anything with that. You're being touchy, Lovi, I hope you realize it."

Lovino's eyes were crossed by a look of pure helplessness before going back to their usual sulky expression.

"I'm not touchy! I just don't like it when you accuse me of stuff that I already apologized for!"

Antonio didn't move. "I didn't accuse you of anything. You're working yourself up on your own."

Lovino got off the bed suddenly and grabbed the room keys.

"If you want to be a dick, fine! Call me when you're done!"

But Antonio was faster. He reached the door before Lovino and managed to stand in front of it so that Lovino couldn't get out.

"Don't run away on me when we are having a serious discussion, Lovino."

Lovino couldn't bring himself to look at Antonio. His voice was so serious, so unlike his usual sunny tone.

"Now, if you could explain why you are so ill at ease..."

Lovino wanted to shout. Antonio was not going to let it go. Antonio always managed to get the truth out of Lovino. But this time, he couldn't allow it. This time, he was the one that would protect Antonio. If he had to lie to him, it was fine.

"... it's nothing. It's just..."

Damn. What could he say. What the hell could he say!

"... it's just... I don't even know. I'm stupid, I guess. I'm really stupid. I'm sorry if I say nonsense sometimes. But you don't have to dwell on it so much. I swear, it's..."

Then he felt Antonio's finger on his mouth. He looked up to see a very serious Antonio.

"Lovino. Tell me you love me. Tell me while you look at me in the eyes."

Lovino felt strange. Was that what Antonio had feared? That he didn't love him anymore? Ah! How stupid! Antonio should now better!

Lovino took a deep breath. He looked up and locked eyes with the Spaniard. He held his hands in his own.

"I love you."

* * *

><p>Antonio felt suddenly relieved and way more cheerful. Lovino could not lie when he looked at someone in the eyes, and the way he had said "I love you" made him believe it.<p>

Well, at least that was out of the way. Today, he had had the distinct feeling that Lovino was strange. That he was behaving as if... as if...

… as if this was one of the last times they spent together.

But now, if Lovino was still able to tell him "I love you" like that, then maybe he had gotten it wrong. Maybe he had really tried to read too much in Lovino's words.

Lovino suddenly hugged Antonio. His voice came out muffled.

"Look, I love you. Never, ever think, not even for a moment, that I'm not serious when I say it. Got it?"

Antonio's heart felt all warm and fuzzy. He put a hand under Lovino's chin and whispered "I think I get it..." practically in his mouth. Then the only thing he could remember were lots of messy, open-mouthed kisses, and Lovino's hands all over him.

* * *

><p><em>Damn you, Lovino. Your thoughts have a strange way of making it to your mouth! So yeah. You thought I forgot about the ittle trip to Paris? Ah! You should know better! XD<em>

_I know that someone will say that Antonio was out of character, but I do think that when he is seriously angry/suspicious/worried about something that Lovino did, he would get passive-aggressive instead of just laughing it off. He looks like that kind of guy to me._


	12. Chapter XII

Antonio was sleeping soundly next to him. But Lovino couldn't.

There he was again. They had spent another wonderful night again. And tomorrow in the morning they would be going back home. Back to work, back to normal life. Back to the short remains of his worldly life.

Lovino turned around to look at Antonio. He reached for his cheek with his hand, careful to not wake him up.

He was so important to Lovino. He was the most beautiful thing in his life. As he lightly ran his fingers on the sleeping Spaniard's cheek, he could not hold back tears. He didn't know if there was a God, a life after death or stuff. But he knew that wherever he was going, it would be terrible without Antonio.

And Feli, and Belle, and his nephew (he had a distinct feeling it was a boy).

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." he said it as if he was chanting a psalm. He could not stop apologizing. He really had to leave something behind for everyone. Something where he explained everything. So that they would get over his death quickly. So that they would think back of him with a smile.

Or something.

Lovino kept apologizing for a long time before finally falling asleep.

* * *

><p>The sunlight hit Lovino straight in the face, making him wake up suddenly. He sat up on the bed, sleepy and confused.<p>

"Morning, _mi vida_! Rise and shine, we have a train to catch!"

Lovino's foul morning mood told him to just headbutt the Spaniard really hard in the balls for that wake up call.

"... I swear, one of these days you'll tell me how you can be so bouncy in the morning. Are you even human."

"Ahaha! Of course, _mi querido_. Now come on, get the bags and let's go!"

A feeling of sudden dread invaded Lovino's mind. The bags! Had Antonio touched _his_ bag! Had he found the vicodin! Holy fuck!

* * *

><p>Antonio stared as Lovino's eyes filled with horror. What was it about?<p>

"Lovi? Are you ok?"

Lovino's eyes shot up to Antonio.

"... did you... you know... did you make my bag?"

Antonio had a distinct feeling that he was missing a vital piece of the conversation.

"No, you made it yesterday. Your bag is right where you left it."

Lovino looked as if a cloud of smoke had lifted from his eyes. "Oh! Oh, okay then, cool. So, the train."

He sat up in the bed and started getting out of his pajamas.

Antonio looked at him dumbfounded for a moment, before smacking his forehead and saying "Right, the train."

* * *

><p>Lovino was feeling really, really, really relieved during the walk to the station. For a moment there he had thought that Antonio had seen his blasted pain killers. And that he would have been discovered.<p>

And that was not. Fucking. Supposed. To happen.

So thank God for it. Even if he had been this close to overreacting, he had managed to stay calm. He had not thrown any fit. He was fine.

And Antonio seemed to have been pretty much okay about it. Thank God for that too.

"Come on now, the train is at platform 21. It's like, all the way over there, so move it!"

Antonio let himself be dragged around by Lovino.

Once again, Antonio was worried. Just why had Lovi's eyes looked so terrified at the mere thought that someone had gone through his bag? It was not like Lovino to be hiding things from him, but he had looked so shaken..

Antonio shook his head. Lovino had said "I love you" hours before. He honestly believed Lovino's words, so maybe this morning it was something else entirely. What, he didn't know, but oh well. He'd find out.

"There, our seats are this ones. I'm taking this one." said Lovino as they reached their places. They had two window seats in front of each other, so at least they would have been able to stretch their legs during the ride. Lovino sat down and leaned against the window.

It had been a good vacation. They had gone to so many places, from the big museums and buildings to the little streets no one cared about. They had walked so much, but it had been worth it. They had had good food to eat, beautiful things to discover, and a whole lot of new memories and pictures together. Lovino was glad he had gone. He was sure that it was cool enough for a last week-end with your boyfriend.

He looked away from the window to look at said boyfriend. Which was staring at him in return, a thoughtful look in those green, green eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing, I was just spacing out. You looked happy. What were you thinking about?"

Lovino blushed a bit. "You know, about this trip. It's been... uhm... not half bad, I'd say."

Antonio smiled softly. "I'm glad you think so, Lovi. Even if we had a bit of a row yesterday..."

Lovino pouted. "Oh come on, you had just read too much in what I said. As if it's so easy to get rid of me anyway."

Antonio made himself more comfortable by slumping into his seat and putting his legs in Lovino's lap. "You're right. I was exaggerating because... well, what would I do without my cute Lovi?"

Lovino had to blink at the beaming smile that Antonio was flashing him.

Lovino blushed and looked out the window. But before speaking again he rested his hand on Antonio's ankle.

"... you bastard, you're catching me off guard, dammit..."

Antonio merely laughed.

* * *

><p>Lovino bowed his head in frustration as he got out of the pharmacy. His pain killers were not cutting it anymore, so he had to go and ask for something stronger. And just like all the other times, the goddamn doctor had made Lovino feel like shit before filling in a prescription for morphine.<p>

Morphine.

Lovino looked at the tablets in his hand. Fuck. Never, ever in his life had Lovino thought that he would end up using that shit. He really didn't want to. But now he lived in a constant state of dull pain, and his attacks were getting stronger, and more frequent. It was either that or being discovered.

Lovino shivered. Now that was something he should start worrying about. Before it had been easy. Just sneak in some pills and shit usually turned out fine. But now he had lost too much weight. He didn't look bony or really sick yet, but he did look thinner. For now, Antonio seemed to believe that Lovino had lost weight because of his new cycling fad, but that was supposed to give him muscle sooner or later. And Lovino was going to be skin and bones in a really short time. Plus, he had had to stop eating lunch and dinner simply because he wasn't hungry anymore. Of course, Antonio had no idea of that. They usually only had breakfast together, what with Lovino working in a restaurant, so at least that bullet could be dodged.

Lovino sighed again. The restaurant. It was getting more and more difficult to work. Before, he had loved his job. But now, having lost a lot of his appetite, working in a kitchen tended to make him feel sick. And his ability to focus was starting to drop in the evenings, so usually after the dinner rush, Lovino felt tired as if he had to run a marathon. And his boss was starting to notice.

And then there was his nephew. Judging by the progress of his disease, he would not be around for his birth. He would never meet the little guy. He would never hold him, or play with him, or give him the coolest gifts for his birthday, or take him to a park, or anything. Hell, Feli had already decided that she wanted the gender to be a surprise, so he wouldn't even know if the blond, blue-eyed baby boy that Lovino imagined would actually be a boy. It could be a girl. It could have hazel eyes and auburn hair. He would never know.

Lovino bowed his head again.

It couldn't go on.

What had he been thinking?

Why on Earth had he decided to keep his mouth shut about this?

What had possessed him to make such an idiotic choice?

What the hell was he going to come up with in the next months?

And for the first time in three months, Lovino felt his resolve shatter.

He couldn't do this anymore.

He didn't want to keep hiding in the bathroom crouched on the toilet while Antonio slept.

He didn't want to keep looking for better hiding places around the house.

He didn't want to go on and pretend that everything was fine.

He didn't want to stuff himself of drugs so he could look healthy.

Lovino looked up at the sky. Dark clouds were gathering.

_How fitting._

* * *

><p><em>Lovi is a bit in a pinch. What will he decide to do? Feel the cliffhanger of doom! XD<em>


	13. Chapter XIII

Feli was walking home when she spotted Lovino sitting on a playground swing. Delighted, she called and waved to him.

"Ve, Lovi, hi! What are you doing here?"

Lovino looked startled, but waved back as Feli approached him.

"Nothing, just wasting some time. You?"

Feli sat down on the swing next to him. "Just finished working for today. Ve, why aren't you at work, by the way?"

Lovino held on tighter to the swing chain and shrugged.

"I called in sick. I didn't feel like going today. Please don't tell Antonio, or I'll never hear the end of it."

"Ve, how typical of you, Lovi!"

Lovino stuck his tongue out at his sister before speaking again.

"How are you doing? You didn't get any weird cravings for wurst or potatoes, did you?"

Feli laughed. "Don't worry about that, ve. I'm really fine. I thought I'd feel worse, but I'm all good!"

Lovino smiled a bit. "Good. That's it. But listen, did you change your mind about finding out the gender?"

Feli shook her head. "Nope. I still want it to be a surprise. I really don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby, ve."

Lovino puffed his cheeks. "You're no fun. I want to know now, dammit."

Feli playfully punched his shoulder. "You'll know soon enough, don't worry. Just wait till August!"

Lovino sighed. "August is so far from now..."

Feli held her ground. "I know, ve, but this makes it all better. If you have to work hard or wait a long time for something, the results are going to feel better, right? Don't they always say no pain, no gain?"

Lovino looked really serious for a moment, as if what Feli said was a complicate verse of poetry that he had to analyze for school.

Then he looked up at the sky. He was silent for a long time.

"... that makes sense, I guess."

Now Lovino remembered why he had decided to keep his disease to himself. He looked at Feli for a short while.

He did it because he wanted to spend his last months surrounded by happy people.

He did it because right now, Feli was having a baby, and Belle had finally started to fall in love again, and he was going to celebrate his sixth year with Antonio.

Right. The news of his impending death would have ruined everything.

Lovino knew now what he was doing. He had decided to take everyone's pain. To cry and be worried and feel shitty in their place.

Yes.

Now he remembered.

Or maybe he had just discovered it.

Go figure.

* * *

><p>Lovino and Feli had decided not to do crazy things for their birthday, since Feli couldn't drink. But that didn't mean that their birthday party couldn't kick ass anyway! They would have dinner with all of their friends, and when you grouped them all together in the same place, crazy shit was gonna go down, alcohol or not. Well, at least their friend Roderich had taken it upon himself to bake a cake, so that was taken care of.<p>

But now that the restaurant had been booked and both annoying boyfriends were out of the way, they were just hanging out together.

"Look. You want to spend the night like all those other times? For our birthday, I mean."

Feli's face fell. "Ve, yes! Why? You have something else already planned?"

Lovino looked away, a bit embarassed. "Why would I! I just thought that... I don't know, you wanted to spend the night at home with that potato or something this time..."

Feli got closer to Lovino and hugged him. "Ve, that's stupid! I live with Ludwig, I can see him every night! I don't think he will die if I spend the night with you for once, ve..."

Lovino blushed madly and squirmed in her hold. "Alright, alright, I get it! Now get off!"

"Ve! You're always so mean to meeeee! You never let me hug you!"

"Oh, please. You hug me all the time!"

"Maybe, ve..." she freed him from the hug and let herself fall back on the couch.

"Ve, I think that Ludwig and Toni don't really like it when we kick them out on our birthday, you know?"

Lovino sat a bit straighter. "That's their problem. And it's not like we kick them to the curb, we just evict them for the night. Which reminds me... this year's my place or yours?"

Feli looked thoughtful for a moment. "Ve, I think it's mine this year..."

"Ok then, that means you'll ship the potato over to my place. Cool. I get the feeling that he's not very happy about that, is he?"

"Ve, I think he will manage. We've done it every year, so yeah, five times for Toni and four for Ludwig. Ve, I think they're used to it by now."

Lovino allowed himself a cocky smile. "Well, not like they have a choice. So, what do you feel like doing on our birthday night?"

"Ve... I'd say we just do what we feel like, like last year. It was cool, ve!"

Lovino thought about it. "Sure, why not. Okay then, I'm off. I have to be at work in-" he checked his cell phone "-FIVE MINUTES! SHIT! See you, Feli, I'm outta here!"

* * *

><p>Lovino spent the car ride to the restaurant in utter silence. He had had to take double the amounts of morphine he was used to in order to prevent getting attacks during the party, and he was feeling groggy and in a foul mood. But as usual, he waited it out and when Antonio asked, he blamed it on not having had any coffee for the whole day.<p>

By the time they arrived he was feeling better. Luckily, because it seemed that pretty much everyone had turned up at the party. Lovino greeted everyone and accepted everyone's presents with a bashful "thanks, I guess". Really, there was everyone at the party. There were Francis and Gilbert, already tackling Antonio (now he knew that the stupid Frenchman and the "awesome" older potato bastard would have been there, but hope is the last to die right?) and in the far corner of the room Alfred was already teasing a very sulky Arthur, and Tino and his scary-ass Swedish "husband" were already trying to stop their Danish friend from getting drunk within two minutes from the start of the party, and right there next to Feli was Feliks, her best friend, and that crazy Japanese chick (Kiko? Kiku?) talking to Herakles, Lovino's Greek cousin, who had his usual seraphic expression on while he flirted shamelessly with her.

Lovino felt a bit moved. All of those guys had showed up for his last birthday. That was... nice. For once, he smiled to everyone. That had to mean something, right?

* * *

><p>"Ve! That was a nice party! And look, we've got so many presents! It was so fun!"<p>

Lovino tried not to look too pleased. It was true. It had been a damn good party. Everyone had fun, and even if it was a total chaos, it had been cool. The food was good, the company was good, the athmosphere was good. And now that he and Feli were driving home after the party, he could finally say it.

"Yes, it was... decent, I guess. If only that bastard gave me his present at the party, instead of making me wait until tomorrow! What does 'we have to be alone when I give it to you' mean anyway? The idiot!"

Feli chuckled. "Ve, maybe he'll give you the night of your life!"

Lovino blushed. "... just don't. Anyway. What are we gonna do?"

Feli looked thoughtful for a moment. "I get it! Let's go star-gazing, ve!"

Lovino cocked his head to the side. "Star-gazing?"

Feli nodded. "Yes, there's a nice meadow half an hour from here. It's very dark there, we will surely see a lot of stars, ve."

Lovino thought about it for a while. "... why not. It's been so long since we last did it."

As they arrived at the meadow, Feli looked up at the night sky. Yes, this was a perfect place for star-gazing. The sky was pitch black, and they could see the Milky Way over their heads. Lovino took a blanket from his car and spread it on the ground, lieing down and gesturing for Feli to do the same.

"Ve, I told you this place was perfect. Look at that. When was the last time you saw so many stars?"

"Too long ago, honestly. I like it."

Feli smiled and looked up, stretching out an arm and moving as if she was connecting some invisible dots.

Lovino turned to look at her. She was already starting to show a bit. She used to be skinny, but now her waist had thickened a bit.

"Look, does it... you know..."

Feli turned to face Lovino.

"Ve?"

Lovino blushed madly. "Does it... kinda move yet...?"

Feli looked puzzled for a moment. "...ve?"

Lovino's blush didn't go away. "The baby, Feli, the baby! Can you feel it yet?"

Feli's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh! That! Ve, no, not yet, it's still too early. The doctor says it should start in a month or so. I can't wait, ve!"

Lovino's cheeks were still on fire as he spoke. "Well, you know... when you feel it... can you... sort of... tell me?"

Feli smiled. "Of course, ve! Though Lovi, even if I'm really happy that you're so excited about it, it's really strange. I thought you wouldn't really like the idea."

Lovino scoffed. "Why does everyone think so anyway."

"Ve, maybe because you hate Ludwig with a passion?"

Lovino shrugged. "I don't _hate_ him, I just... strongly dislike him. But you have him wrapped around your little finger, so you will be able to manage him whatever happens. And he's really head-over-heels for you. And he's responsible. He'll make a good dad. But he could get that stick out of his ass once in a while, though."

"Ve, that's not nice! Ludwig's not that uptight when we're alone! Actually he's really sweet!"

"Don't put sweet and Ludwig in the same sentence, please. It sounds plain wrong."

"Ve, you should see him lately! He's really happy about the baby, you know? And he's also glad that you're not giving him a hard time."

"That's right, he should be very thankful for that. Remind him everyday, will you."

"Lovi? Can I ask you something serious?"

"Yes?"

"Will you be the godfather?"

Lovino deadpanned. "Something tells me that you're not talking about the movie."

Feli laughed out loud. "Ve, of course not! You're so silly sometimes!"

Lovino focused on the starry sky above him.

* * *

><p>Well. That was nice to hear. But Lovino knew already that he wouldn't be around for the birth. The baby would be born in August, and it was only March. And according to the doctor, Lovino had a really, really slim chance of seeing the end of June. But he couldn't say no, it would be way too suspicious. He'd have to talk to the older potato bastard and innocently see if he was willing to take that load off Lovino's shoulders.<p>

"Uhm... sure. I'd be honored to be the baby's godfather. I..."

Shit. He felt his eyes sting. Now of all times! Life was so unfair!

Feli noticed, of course.

"Aaw, look at you, all moved! You're so cute right now!"

Lovino speedily sat up on the blanket and hid his face from his twin's view, blushing like his favourite fruit. "I'm not moved, okay? I just got something in my eye! Dammit!"

Feli's laugh filled the meadow. "Ve, if you say so... You hear that, baby? Your uncle is so touched about being your godfather!"

Lovino's blush refused to fade. "W-what the hell, Feli! Don't tell him that!"

"But Lovi, I'm sure he's happy to know that his uncle loves him so much!"

Lovino bowed his head in defeat. "... fine. You tell that brat whatever you want. It's not like he understands you yet anyway."

Feli decided to give her brother some time to recover.

"Ve? Lovi?"

"Yes?"

"If you saw a shooting star right now, what would you wish for?"

Lovino lied back down on the blanket and focused on the sky above him. The answer was so painfully easy in his mind. But he couldn't tell Feli.

"... nothing."

"Ve? Surely there's something you'd wish for!"

Lovino closed his eyes.

"Ok, then. I wish to know if I'm doing the right thing."

Feli looked at him confused.

"The right thing? What do you mean?"

Lovino kept his eyes closed. Lying was easier with his eyes closed.

"In general. I want to know if the choices I made for my life will turn out to be the best ones in the future."

"Oh. That's a serious wish. You know what I'd wish for?"

Lovino re-opened his eyes. "What?"

Feli smiled. "I wish to have a birthday party as beautiful as this one next year."

Lovino's throat tightened. He couldn't really answer.

"... uhm. That's... uhm..." _impossible. _"...actually a pretty cool wish."

Feli smiled before changing the subject.

They spent a long time like that, gazing at the stars, talking about their past, present and future. And when he drove Feli home and kissed her goodnight, he was sure to have created another beautiful memory. Their last birthday together had seriously kicked ass.

* * *

><p><em>Yep, Lovino didn't get over himself. I DON'T APPROVE OF THAT. If a friendfamily member of mine did that, I would be livid before feeling devastated. But without his silence, there would be no story. So yeah._


	14. Chapter XIV

Antonio was making breakfast while Lovino was still lying in the bed, in the foulest mood in the history of forever.

Dammit.

Lovino was starting to find getting out of bed in the morning a daunting task. And not only that. Even eating and drinking were slowly becoming more and more challenging to him. And the pain killers didn't seem to be that effective anymore. They still worked for the attacks, but they didn't seem to be able to get rid of Lovino's newest symptom, which happened to be a dull background pain in his chest. Lovino turned in bed. It was probably the liver metastasis. They were spreading really fast, according to the doctor. They were making his life a living hell, according to Lovino. But he couldn't do shit against them. He could just wait for them to be the size of ping-pong balls. And kill him.

Oh joy.

"Lovino? Breakfast is ready! Come down!"

Lovino groaned very loudly. Just thinking of eating made his stomach churn. But he had no choice. He had to get out of bed, or Antonio would come up to check on him. And since Lovino was now busy with gathering the strength to just sit up on the blasted bed, he preferred to do it alone.

Maybe today he could sleep in. Just for today. He could tell Antonio that he had a fever or shit. Why not.

"Lovinooooo! Breakfast!"

Lovino cursed. No, better not playing the sick card. He'd have to use it for later, for when he was too much of a walking corpse to pretend everything was fine.

As he dragged himself down for breakfast, he thought about the future. Would every single day feel like this from now on?

* * *

><p>"Good mor... JESUS CHRIST!"<p>

Lovino's head shot up. What now?

Antonio ran to him, a concerned look in his eyes. "Lovino! You look like you're on the brink of death! Are you okay?"

Lovino blushed as Antonio put a hand to his forehead.

"What the hell, bastard, I'm fine, just let me..."

"Don't even try. You look like shit and you're burning up! Here, sit down, I'll get a thermometer."

Lovino's eyes widened. He was burning up? As Antonio went to fetch a thermometer, Lovino felt his own forehead.

Shit, it was actually true. He had a fever. How come he hadn't noticed...?

Was it the morphine? Maybe it had dulled the feeling of the fever.

Oh well. Actually, this was good news. If he had a fever, he could call in sick at his job and just go back to bed and stay there for an entire day. He wouldn't have to eat anything, and he could have the house all to himself for a day.

* * *

><p>Antonio came downstairs with the thermometer in hand. Honestly, Lovino looked really bad. He was pale, his hair was messy, his eyes were dull and... he looked thin. Very thin.<p>

Antonio knew that Lovino was now cycling everywhere, so it was normal that he would lose some weight. But now things were just getting out of hand. He was eating too little at breakfast, and he wasn't completely sure if he had lunch and dinner.

"There, Lovi. Open your mouth."

Lovino huffed but silently complied.

Antonio sat by his side the whole five minutes it took for the thermotheter to reveal to them that yes, Lovino indeed had a high fever.

"39,9! Lovi, you're burning up! Go back to bed, you're not going anywhere today."

Lovino grunted but actually complied. He got up from the couch and went upstairs to their bedroom.

Antonio was a bit confused. When Lovino was sick, he hated admitting it. But here he was now, meekly following his orders! Maybe he should call a doctor...

"Look Lovi, you just go to bed, and I'll take a day off and stay with you, ok?"

Lovino grunted again.

"I don't need a babysitter, thank you very much. You go to work. I can handle myself."

Antonio shook his head.

"Don't be a baby, Lovi. You can barely stand! I'm staying with you. And I'm calling a doctor."

Lovino's dull eyes filled with horror.

"A doctor! ? What for? It's just a fever!"

Antonio tucked Lovino in bed. "It's a very high fever, Lovi. Better safe than sorry."

Lovino turned around and faced away from Antonio.

"... Fine. I'll call my doctor and make him come over. Gimme the phone."

Antonio handed Lovino his cell phone with a look of slight surprise. He was being strangely compliant today...

* * *

><p>Lovino heard the bell go off. He took the deepest breath he could. He had made his doctor promise to shut the hell up in front of Antonio, and if the old man didn't want Lovino to sue the hell out of him, he better keep silent.<p>

"Mr Vargas? Are you awake?"

Lovino groaned and turned so that he lied on his back.

"Hello, doctor. Yes, I'm awake."

Antonio started talking.

"I don't know what happened to him. I think it's been going on for a while, he's been losing weight..."

Lovino cut him off. "That's because I cycle everywhere, you bastard."

The doctor's eyes narrowed, but he kept silent. _Thank God._

Antonio pouted. "I know, but now you have a high fever, and you've been eating less and less."

Lovino pulled the blankets over his face. "That's not true. Shut up and let the doctor do his job."

The doctor sighed. "Mr Carriedo, has he eaten anything since this morning?"

Antonio shook his head. "Nothing. Do I make him some soup?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes, he has to eat something before 10, I'd say."

Antonio nodded. "Well, I'll just go now then. Lovi, behave yourself!"

And with that, he was off to the kitchen.

Lovino looked at the doctor. Did he just help him out?

"So, Mr Vargas. I hear you have a high fever."

Lovino grumbled and checked to see if the door was closed before speaking.

"Yes, it must be a chill or something, it's just that with all the morphine I'm taking I didn't realize it."

The doctor sighed. "Your boyfriend seems to be very concerned, Mr Vargas. He told me that you've been losing weight and that you don't eat well. Even if you keep hiding your condition from him, he's already worked out that something is not right."

Lovino scoffed. "Well then, I can blame it on this cold."

The doctor pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mr Vargas, you're the most pig-headed patient I have ever had to deal with. But anyway. How's the pain going?"

Lovino was a bit piqued about the pig-headed comment, but he let it go.

"Worse. I always have this background chest pain, even if I stuff myself of pills."

"I do hope you're not exaggerating. A morphine overdose can be fatal."

Lovino grunted. "I know. I'm taking the right dose anyway. I don't want to kill myself or something."

The doctor held silent for a while. "Has it occurred to you that this is a good chance to come clean with your secret?"

Lovino winced. "I'm not coming..."

The doctor cut him off. "Just think of this: I can go to your boyfriend and tell him that I should do some further tests on you, and you can keep on pretending that you're fine until I'll "break the news" to him. You won't have to lie to him anymore. I'm sure he'd do all he can to help you."

"Doctor. I've come this far. Coming clean now would solve nothing. It would just break Antonio's heart. And my sister's, and my friends'. And I don't want to spend the last three months of my life surrounded by hospitals, crying people and shit. I chose this for myself."

The doctor gave a last, resigned sigh. "... very well, Mr Vargas."

* * *

><p>Antonio was fumbling over a steaming pot when the doctor came to the kitchen.<p>

"So? Is Lovino okay? Is it a cold?"

The doctor looked a bit... resigned.

"...yes. It's just a cold. It'll go away in a couple days. There's no need for medicines."

Antonio sighed in relief. "Thank God. I was worried, he's been losing so much weight! Is that normal?"

The doctor avoided to look at Antonio. "That's nothing to worry about. His weight loss is probably due to cycling and bad eating habits. Make sure he eats at least three times a day."

Antonio nodded. "Ok, then. I was starting to really worry about that. I swear, he's lost at least ten kilos!"

"I don't think it's something to worry about, sir. Now, I'm sorry but I have to go. Goodbye, Mr Carriedo."

Antonio smiled and shook the doctor's hand. "Goodbye doctor, thank you for everything."

The doctor winced. "... don't thank me."

And with that, he was out of the door.

* * *

><p>Lovino took a week to recover from his cold, and that didn't help matters at all. Antonio was really starting to worry, and when Belle and Feli had visited, they too had thought that something wasn't completely right. Lovino looked just too awful for a simple cold. But thankfully, the doctor had played along, so at least for that there were no problems. And now, as he was trying to recover from a trip to the grocery store lying on the couch, his mind wandered.<p>

He had started to think that maybe he would never completely recover from the cold. Even if the fever had gone down and he could restart his normal life, Lovino still felt somewhat dizzy all the time. Maybe the cold had been the last blow to his quickly-worsening health.

And goddammit, Antonio was watching him too closely lately. He was always saying that he was losing too much weight and that if he turned sideways he'd disappear. And Lovino tried to shrug it off every time, but since Antonio's comments only reflected the truth, it was getting more and more difficult. He had started to dread his days off work, because that meant sharing three meals with Antonio, and he couldn't help the fact that if he ate a quarter of what was in his plate he was already sickeningly full, but he had to bear it and eat at least three quarters of the dish in front of him under Antonio's watchful scrutiny, and he was running out of excuses to dash for the bathroom and throw it all up in the toilet as soon as lunch or dinner were over. But he was dreading his days at work too, because now he felt so out of whack that he couldn't properly concentrate anymore on anything, especially in the night. But at least that problem could be dodged by making his sous-chef do all of his work under his guidance with the excuse of teaching him "how it's really done, dammit". And the doctor didn't even try to change his mind anymore, which Lovino took as a very, very bad sign. And May had sneaked up behind Lovino. Which meant that June, and thus the end of his worldly life, were approaching too. Damn. Fast.

As he finally caught his breath, he heard the doorbell go off.

Feli smiled as her brother opened the door.

"Veee, Lovi, I was around here and..."

then she stopped dead. Lovino looked like he had just run a marathon.

"...Lovi? Are you ok?"

Lovino shook his head. "Yeah, I'm fine, I just had to run down the stairs to get the doorbell. Come in, anyway."

Feli got in, but her eyes didn't leave Lovino.

"You lost some more weight."

Lovino scoffed and snapped at her.

"Look Feli, if you came here to comment on how much cycling is working the strange wonder of making me slimmer, then just go home!"

Feli jumped a bit at the brusque tone.

"... ve, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Anyway, I was in the neighbourhood and I thought I'd say hi!"

Lovino shrugged and ushered her to the kitchen, where he busied with making tea for two.

"... sorry. So? How's life?" he asked.

"Ve, no news. Just the usual. And you?"

Lovino sat down and placed a steaming cup in front of Feli.

"Nothing really. The highlight of this week was when Gilbert turned up here at three o'clock drunk off his ass and whining in German about Elizaveta and God knows what else. Had to kick him out at broom-point."

Feli laughed. "Vee, he showed up at our house too! Just, it was five in the morning and he nearly killed himself after tripping over Ludwig's dog!"

Lovi smirked. "Honestly, Gilbert is just hopeless."

Feli shrugged. "Ve, sometimes I wonder if him and Ludwig are actually brothers or if their mother had an affair with the plumber."

Lovi choked a bit on his tea. Laughing and drinking simply did not go well together. "Well, that would explain a few things about those guys. I've always had a feeling that they weren't really related..."

Feli grinned. "You know, ve, Gilbert is all butthurt that you are going to be the godfather and not him."

Lovi's smile froze a bit. "Uh... well, that's... I'm sure he'll get over it. Or he'll force you to make another kid, or something. I'm sure he's praying for twins."

Feli opened her mouth to answer, but stopped dead. Her eyes widened as she looked down at her belly.

Lovi worried a bit about it. "Feli? What's wrong?"

Feli smiled and looked up with a smile so bright that he could see stars in her eyes.

"Ve, the baby kicked! And I think it's strong enough for you to feel it!"

Lovino blushed crimson, but got up and kneeled in front of Feli. He hesitated a moment.

Feli laughed at his indecisiveness. "Ve, you know, he doesn't bite!"

Lovi was still as red as a lobster as he answered a half-hearted "I know, dammit!"

He took a deep breath and finally put his hand to Feli's belly. But he couldn't feel anything. Frowning, he moved his hand around. Maybe he had chosen the wrong spot.

Feli just smiled and guided his hand to where she had felt the movement. "Ve, it was here, just wait a bit..."

Lovi was still dealing with a bad case of uncontrelled blushing. "Jeez kid, take your time, will you. Not like I have other things to do tod..."

Suddenly, he felt something pushing against his hand. It had been faint, but he felt it. His eyes shot up to his twin. His voice was really excited as he asked "Was that it? Was it him? You felt it too?"

Feli smiled and nodded. Lovi turned his excited gaze back to her belly. He started talking before he even realized it.

"Hey brat, you're really there! This is your uncle, the cool one I mean, not that creepy red-eyed drunkard freak! You must be pretty excited to meet me, uh, you're moving around like a octopus! I can't wait till you're born, it'll be fant..."

Then he stopped. He suddenly remembered that he would never see the little one. Before it had not really sank in, his nephew was just a lump of cells that didn't make his presence known. But now he had felt him move. It meant that there was actually a baby there. A baby with a face, and legs, and fingers, and toes...

A baby he would never see. Or touch. A baby that would never know him. Maybe he would hear of him from Feli, but he would never be a part of his life. He would just be his mother's brother, a guy that died before he was even born. Lovino would never be the cool uncle that would spoil his nephew from time to time when he visited, or that would play soccer with him, that would babysit him when mom and dad were busy, that would sneak him a chocolate when mom said no more, that would take him out for a gelato on the weekends, that would ...

He was very lucky that Feli couldn't see his eyes right now.

"Lovi? Ve, are you okay?"

Lovi shook his head and got back on his feet, leaning against the table.

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine. It's just... uhm... I never... you know... felt a baby kick before..."

Feli gave him a playful smack on the arm. "Ve, look at you, all flustered!"

Lovi blushed with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"What! I'm not flustered!"

The rest of Feli's visit was spent with Lovino trying to feel as much baby kicks as he could. And when Feli had to go home, Lovi was really thankful that Antonio was not home yet, so that he could have a long, lonely cry.

* * *

><p><em>Nope, I didn't die. Here is another chapter. Sorry, but IRL I'm trying to kick smoking and I've been in a strange mood, between elated and wanting to cry my eyes out, so yeah, didn't feel like uploading. But now I'm feeling better, and I have a feeling I'll kick it forever, so yeah. Just, when I was researching for this story, I found that smoking is a trigger for pancreatic cancer, and I've asked myself "Look at you, writing a story about the despair of a guy dying of cancer and here you are, with a foul cigarette that can very well cause the same thing, and you'd have brought it upon yourself!" As if I'm laughing in the face of all the people who are dying from cancer and didn't do anything to bring it upon themselves. How. Fucking. Stupid. Smoking is fucking bad, kids. It gives you nothing and takes away so much. Sorry for the little rant, but I feel like you guys need to know. Take it from a ex-smoker. <em>


	15. Chapter XV

"Crap, is this thing working?" Lovino asked himself before finding out that the camera was indeed recording what he was saying. He snorted. Well, at least he had made the first step. Today he was going to start a sort of video to give Antonio, Feli and Belle. He would make separate videos for each of them, and he wanted to do it right. Even if he had no idea what to say. Should he give a long speech or simply talk about whatever came to mind? Uhm.

Lovino sighed. Five months had passed since he found out about his impending death. And now he could really feel it. No matter how much morphine he swallowed, he would always be in a lot of pain. He had lost a lot of weight, and Antonio had started checking every single thing he ate (or didn't eat) and was starting to talk about going to a doctor. But Lovino wanted to keep going till the end. So he forced himself to eat and tried to be himself every day. He knew that people were starting to think that something was definetely not right, but at least no one thought that he was going to kick the bucket in a matter of weeks. According to the doctor, if things went on the way they were, he would have another month or two.

Lovino scoffed.

More like a week or two. He could feel it. His body could not go on anymore. Even if he forced himself to eat, his weight went down. Even if he did all the drugs in the world, the pain was still there. Even if he tried to work at the restaurant, he couldn't concentrate anymore. He couldn't go on like that. Sooner or later his body would simply surrender. And when that day came, Lovino hoped with all his heart that it would actually be the end. That no goddamn miracle would save him from the grave. Because the day he would have to go to the hospital would also be the day that Antonio, Belle and Feli found out about his cancer. And about how hard he had worked to hide it from them. And then, they would be furious. They would kick his ass in the middle of next year. They would stop talking to him. But instead, if he died, they would kind of feel compelled to forgive him. And they would watch the video messages he left. And they would understand. And they would thank him for sparing them the heartbreak and effort and money and time...

Or so he hoped.

Lately he had started thinking about what would be different if he had started the treatment. Maybe, some sort of miracle would have kept him alive. Maybe he would have gained another month, or two, or six.

He scoffed. Yeah, sure. Six months more to live in a damn hospital, always aching from the therapies, with the people he had always known talking to him as if he was a time bomb that could blow up at any moment. No one would smile if he was in the room. Feli wouldn't talk about how good her pasta recipe had come out, and being desperate while she was pregnant could not be good for his nephew. And Belle would not tease him or call him schatje anymore, and Antonio would not be able to even stop crying in his presence.

He took a deep breath before looking up towards the camera. His eyes were focused and determined. He suddenly knew what to say.

* * *

><p>Antonio got in and put the grocery bags on the kitchen table. Today he was going to make sure that Lovino stuffed himself of the unhealthiest, fattiest food in the world. And if he didn't want to, he'd just shove it down his throat. And then he would make him go to a doctor, because cycling or not, losing nearly 20 kilos in three months was just too damn much.<p>

"Lovino? Are you home?"

Antonio heard his reply coming from upstairs. "Yeah, gimme a minute, I'm coming."

Antonio started to make dinner while he waited for his lover to come downstairs.

"Hey you. Are you making dinner?"

Antonio nodded and smiled. "Yes. And you are going to eat every last bit of it, _querido_. That, or I'll just make you."

Lovino huffed. "Man, you're making such a big deal out of this. I told you a thousand times."

Antonio didn't let it go. "If it's not such a big deal, you will eat double helpings of everything."

Lovino tried to change his horrified face in a pout. "... if that will make you shut up, I will."

Antonio smiled again, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Good. Now, set the table, _querido_."

Lovino spent dinner wishing to just die already.

* * *

><p>Lovino was so desperate. Nothing was working for the pain. Nothing in the face of the Earth could make him feel normal again. Sometimes he felt this close to just take too many morphine pills so that all this mess could be over and he could be in a place where he wouldn't hurt anymore.<p>

But he didn't want to die yet. He wanted to keep on clinging to life until he couldn't anymore. It was sad how the closer he got to death, the more he wanted to live. Even through the pain, he didn't really care. He just wanted to live. Lately he had started thinking about death way too often. He wondered how it would be. Would he meet his grandpa wherever he was going? Was there a Heaven, or Hell? And if there were, would all the lies he had told in the last months grant him a one-way ticket for eternal damnation? And should he get a move and go to a priest to ask for the extreme unction? And what if he had to be reincarnated somewhere? Lovino had no idea. He just knew that the thought of going somewhere where he would be alone for the rest of eternity made him feel like crying, screaming and cursing. And he couldn't do that around the house, because he risked getting caught. And how would he explain such a terrible fit without telling the truth? Maybe he should really go and see a priest and confess, or something. Anything to just be able to tell someone how he felt.

Such were his thoughts as he and Antonio were sitting together on the couch. Antonio was reading a book, and Lovino was lieng down with his head on the Spaniard's lap.

Antonio was such a big part of why Lovino wanted to live so desperately. Now that he was going to kick it, along with all the scary thoughts about afterlife, he had also realized one thing that he should have always known.

Antonio was the love of Lovino's life. And not because Lovino's life had been so short. He felt that even if they stayed together for fifty years, he would still feel the same. If only they had had a chance to live together longer... if only he didn't fell ill... if only he could have discovered his cancer when it was still treatable...

Antonio was a bit surprised when he felt Lovino's fingers brush his cheek. He looked down at him with a sweet smile.

"Yes, _mi vida_?"

Lovino pouted and said "Nothing. I just wanted to annoy you. Can't I?"

Antonio chuckled and set the book aside. He took Lovino's fingers in his hands.

"Of course you can. I love it when you... uhm... 'annoy' me, Lovi..."

Lovino blushed. "Antonio?"

Antonio laid a chaste kiss on Lovino's knuckles. "Yes?"

Lovino blushed and looked away from him.

"What I'm going to say will sound sappy as fuck, but yeah. I told you, so don't go having a stroke after I tell you, okay?"

Antonio chuckled. "Ok, I'm ready. Be still, my heart!"

Lovino took a deep breath, then looked straight in Antonio's eyes.

"I think- no, I'm sure that you are the love of my life."

Antonio's cheeks burned red. He looked puzzled, flattered, love-struck and surprised at once.

Lovino got up from his lap and straddled him, leaning his forehead on the Spaniard's. He had to admit that he was just a bit smug about the fact that for once, it was Antonio who was blushing instead of himself.

"You know, you're supposed to answer now."

Antonio swallowed hard. Then smiled heartily. "I thought I would never hear it from you..."

Then, Lovino gave him a passionate kiss.

* * *

><p><em>Et voilà. Thanks for all the reviews, you guys! =D<em>


	16. Chapter XVI

Lovino shuffled out of bed, knowing full well that this had to be one of his last days. Last night, he had injected morphine for the first time. To be able to have a romantic, passionate last time with Antonio. Which had been fantastic. But probably he had gone overboard with the dose, because now he could feel every single fucking side-effect the doctor had told him about. He couldn't breath normally. He felt nauseos. He was sleepy as hell. He felt on the fucking brink of death – this time for real.

But since he had been feeling like that for the past two weeks, it was fine. He simply forced himself out of bed and went to the kitchen in his pajamas. Now, it would have been easier if the damn room stopped swaying under his feet.

Damn, he was so sleepy.

He sat down at the table, and tried to concentrate on something else. Like Antonio making breakfast.

Shit, he was talking to him. What was he saying? Lovino couldn't hear him. He just wanted to sleep. His eyes couldn't stay open. He forced himself to concentrate on what Antonio was saying.

And now the Spaniard had that concerned expression in his eyes, and he was suddenly closer to him.

Lovino tried to speak, but nothing would come out of his mouth. God, he was so sleepy.

Antonio looked like he was shouting. Why the hell couldn't Lovino hear him?

Antonio grabbed Lovino's hands and kept on speaking fast, his face growing more and more worried. Lovino wished he could hear what Antonio was saying. But surely it could wait a bit. After all, Lovino needed to sleep now. Maybe if he just closed his eyes for a moment...

* * *

><p>"LOVINO!"<p>

Antonio panicked as Lovino fell off the chair. He scrambled to his side and picked him up in his arms. What was wrong with him? He looked like shit, and when he had come down for breakfast he hadn't even spoken. He had just stayed there with sleepy eyes, and when Antonio had tried to snap him out of it, Lovino had simply looked at him as if he was dreaming. And he wasn't answering to anything that Antonio said. And then he had fallen off the chair.

"Lovino, wake up! What's wrong? Why don't you speak!"

Lovino didn't seem very interested in Antonio's words. He was just lying limp in his arms, his eyes half closed, still on another planet.

Antonio was going mad with fear. "Lovino, Christ, say something! Hey!"

And in the end, he did say something.

"Mi dispiace."

And with that, his eyes closed.

"You're sorry? What for? Shit, we're going to the hospital NOW! Lovino! Wake up, you idiot!"

But Lovino didn't answer.

Antonio picked him up bridal style and ran to the car. While he was driving at an ungodly speed with a passed-out Lovi in the passenger seat, he called Feli.

* * *

><p>Feli was working on a painting while Antonio called her.<p>

"Hallo?"

Antonio wasted no time.

"Feli, I'm going to the hospital! Lovino just fainted, he won't wake up, he's not breathing right! Call Belle and join me there as soon as you can!"

Feli panicked. "WHAT? Oh my God, oh my God!"

Antonio answered, irritation clear in his voice. "Don't waste time! Call Belle, get a move and come here!"

Feli swallowed as she ran to get her coat. "Ve, I'm sorry, I'll... I'll see you there..."

* * *

><p>Belle, Feli and Ludwig arrived at the hospital twenty minutes later. Ludwig ran to the acceptance desk.<p>

"Hello, we're looking for Lovino Vargas, he was brought in just now."

The nurse at the desk looked through her computer. "Oh, yes, Vargas, here he is. Room 234. take the elevator, second floor."

Ludwig nodded a thank you.

* * *

><p>Antonio was waiting outside of Lovino's room, his head clutched in his hands. He should have known that something was wrong. Lovino had gotten too thin. Lovino was not eating well anymore. Antonio should have forced him to go to a doctor. It was all his fault. And now Lovino had just collapsed. Antonio should have seen it coming.<p>

"Antonio! Ve, how's Lovino? What did the doctor say?"

Antonio looked up. Feli, Belle and Ludwig were there. He didn't even try to smile to them.

"Hi. I don't know yet, they won't tell me anything because I'm not family."

Belle cursed.

Ludwig shook his head. "I'm sorry. But Feli's here now, they're going to tell her everything."

Antonio was going to answer when a doctor came out of Lovino's room.

"You're all here for Mr Vargas?"

Every one of them nodded.

"Okay, so, are you family?"

Feli thought it was a stupid, stupid question. "No, I'm the only one, but I will tell them everything anyway, so please, ve, just speak now."

The doctor looked unsure for a moment, but then shrugged.

"Well, I'm afraid I have bad news. Mr Vargas is in a coma, caused by a morphine overdose. He seems to have taken too many pills in one go. And seen the state he's in, I'm very sorry to say that it's very unlikely that he will wake up."

Three identical, loud, disbelieving "WHAT! ?"s made the doctor jump in surprise. He looked at the three of them. Why were they so surprised? Terminal patients often had complications due to pain management drugs.

The chestnut haired guy stood up and started speaking. "What do you mean, morphine overdose! ? Lovino never used that shit! It's impossible! He's not a drug addict!"

The doctor's eyes took on a look of disbelief. "I never said he was. He probably just took too much pain killers by mistake. At his stage, it's common to take higher doses without realizing."

The pregnant woman looked confused. "... his stage? Stage of what?"

The doctor shook his head. Honestly, these guys. "Uhm, his pancreatic cancer stage? You know that he's at his limit."

All three of them said the same thing simultaneously. Again.

"PANCREAS CANCER? !"

The doctor was very, very confused. They all acted as if they had no idea what he was talking about. But there was no way they didn't know... Mr Vargas was clearly on the brink of death, they surely knew about his disease...

"Wait. You're telling me that you don't know what I'm talking about?"

The three of them looked at each other in horrified disbelief.

Then the pregnant woman spoke. "... doctor? What's wrong with my brother?"

The doctor sighed. Oh dear. This was not going to be easy.

"You... you may want to sit down."

* * *

><p>Antonio had no idea what to do with himself. He was walking aimlessly around their- no, <em>his<em> living room, wringing his hands. If he kept this up, there would be a hole in the floor by the end of the day. But he couldn't bring himself to care. He just felt that if he stopped, his fury would need another outlet. And he was sure that he would have just barged into that little bastard's room, which happened to be his room too, to break every single goddamn thing that he had left behind. He would just shatter the bastard's favourite vase, he would tear his favourite bedsheets, he would stomp on that fucking tomato keychain, he would burn all of his clothes, he would …!

He would...

He would.

He brought his hands to his hair, pulling on it as if he wanted to tear it from his skull.

He blinked furiously, but he couldn't hold back the tears. Or the agonizing scream he let out.

That goddamn little liar of a bastard. That son of a bitch. How could he have done something like that! Just how on Earth! He thought they were in love! He thought he deserved some honesty from that useless wimp! Why did that stupid fuck have to go and pretend that everything was fine, when it wasn't? What the hell was that Italian coward thinking? Did he really think this was any way to leave?

Antonio wanted to know. Antonio wanted to be angry. Antonio wanted to cry. Antonio wanted to grab that treacherous sod by the hair and smash his stupid, hollow, useless head against a wall until his brains spilled out. He wanted to pin him into a wall and punch the hell out of him. He wanted to stab him with a rusty dagger. He wanted to decapitate him with his axe. He wanted to...

He wanted to know who the hell was knocking on his door _now_ of all times. He tried to ignore it for a while, but the sound was just too loud.

"Ve? Antonio, I know you're in there! Open up! It's important!"

Fuck. Antonio had no idea what to do. That coward's sister was at his door. Now, he usually had no problems with her. She was kind, cheerful and nice, if a bit air-headed and whiny.

But she also looked a whole lot like... him. And seeing her now...

"Antonio, please, please let me in. I have something that Lovino left for you!"

Antonio felt a stab of pain at the name. Damn, damn, damn. He shouted to the door.

"I don't want anything from him, Feli! Just go away!"

From the other side of the door, he could hear Feli fumbling with the door handle, as if she was going to get in if she had to break down the door.

"Ve, Antonio, let me in, or I'll pick the lock!"

Antonio gave a joyless laugh. "As if, Feli. Just go home. Just get away!"

But as soon as he was done speaking, he heard the door click and open. And on the other side was the saddest Feli he had ever seen. Her hair was unkempt, her eyes were red and she looked pale, as if she hadn't eaten anything o gotten a good night's sleep in forever.

Antonio recognized his defeat.

"... just where did you learn to pick locks?" he asked weakly.

Feli gave a sad smile. "Grandpa taught us. Lovino knew how to do it too."

Antonio winced at the name. Again. He turned his back to Feli.

"Ok, you're here now. Leave what you have to and go home."

Feli sniffed. Then spoke. "I know how you feel. I felt like that too. But I found this in my mail."

that said, she held up a tape. An old-fashioned video tape that had Antonio's name written on it in Lovi's messy handwriting.

Antonio looked away from it. He didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

"Just throw it out the window. I won't watch it."

Feli started crying. No, wailing. And begging. "Please, ve, please Antonio! You have to watch it! I don't know what it is, but I'm sure that Lovi explains everything in it! Please, at least watch it! You can throw it out later, but watch it!"

Antonio's eyes darkened. "I don't care. He lied to me. He lied to you. Hell, he lied to everyone!" he whipped around suddenly, facing Feli and looking at her with a look so furious that Feli had to glance away. But Antonio had started. He couldn't hold back now. "Do you think this is what I want! A fucking tape? ! He can shove it up his ass! This" he reached for the tape in Feli's hands and held it in front her eyes. "This is just another proof of how much of a lying fuck he was! He knew this was going to happen, so he prepared a sappy message for me to watch! He knew already that he would be begging for forgiveness! He knew already that I would have wanted to kill him once I found out! WELL, HE CAN ROT IN HELL NOW!"

He threw the tape with all his might. It ended up on the couch.

It didn't break.

He glared at it as if he wanted to set fire to it just with his eyes.

Feli had just cried the whole time of Antonio's tirade. But she kind of smiled when she saw that the tape didn't break.

"Antonio. Just watch it. If not for him, do it for me. Do it for yourself."

With that said, Feli walked out of his house.

Leaving a furious Antonio to his staring match with the tape.

* * *

><p><em>No deus ex-machina, sorry. Lovi is dead as dead can be. He's never coming back.<em>

_I feel like crying a bit._


	17. Chapter XVII

"Fine. I'll watch this fucking tape. But no way in hell will I forgive you! You hear me, bastard? NEVER!"

Antonio breathed heavily in and out. Great, now he was talking to himself.

He sighed. He had only decided to watch the tape because Feli had begged him. He really didn't want to see it, though. Because right now, he was furious at Lovino. Because Lovino had lied to him and pretended that shit was fine when he was going to kick the bucket. If Antonio had known, he would have made him undergo treatment. He would have been by his side everyday. He would have cooked for him and cared for him. Instead, he had never known. He had found out when Lovino collapsed during breakfast, and he had driven him to the hospital, and the doctors had told him that Lovino was in a coma, not likely to wake up and pumped so full or morphine it was a miracle he was still alive.

The news had hit Antonio like a ton of bricks. In a coma? _Morphine_? What the hell did the doctor mean? Lovino was no drug addict! If he was, Antonio would have noticed! They lived together, for Christ's sake!

But it had not stopped there. The doctor also told him that Lovino had a terminal pancreatic cancer. As in, "going to be dead within two days" kind of terminal cancer. And that explained the morphine, but it left Antonio in a sorry state. Crying and yelling and screaming and trying to get in Lovino's room to beat his face in and kick his ass into oblivion.

The doctors had to call security and restrain him. But they didn't send him home. They just let him hang around with a hollow face until, 5 hours later, they had to tell the poor Spaniard that Lovino was going to die in ten minutes or so, and if he wanted to spend that time in his room with Belle and Feli.

Antonio had started screaming obscenities again.

He hadn't even shown up at the funeral. He just wanted to forget that there was a time in his life when he had been happy with Lovino. He just wanted to forget everything.

Because Lovino had never been in love with him. If he had been, he would have told him the truth. He would have accepted treatment, he would have clung to Antonio, they would have made it.

But not like this.

He growled as he fetched a VHS reader. "Don't you think I'm doing this for you! I'm doing this because I really want to see your excuse for this! And when I'm done, I'll laugh in your fucking face and I'll take this fucking video tape and smash the hell out of it! And I'll burn its remains with all the shit you left behind! You get it, motherfucker?"

Antonio bit his bottom lip. No use talking to a empty house. He closed his eyes, sat on the floor in front of the TV and hit play.

Ah. He really wanted to see what excuse he'd come up with. He already knew that by the end of the tape, he would have to keep himself from burning the house down.

The tape started. It seemed that the bastard had recorded this in the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, fumbling with the video recorder.

"Crap, is this thing working?"

Antonio was not really looking at the tape. He was hugging a pillow to his chest. And he let out a cruel mocking sound. Lovino really was beyond stupid when using technological shit.

"Ah, yeah, it is. So, uhm. Hi there, Antonio. I figure that if you're seeing this, I kind of... died already."

Antonio bit his lip so hard he could feel the blood in his mouth. Was he trying to be funny or shit?

"Man, I'm sorry. I really didn't want this to happen. But it's not something I had any control over. I know that you must be really angry... no, scratch that, you're probably furious right now. Because if I died, it means you had to drag me to the hospital, and there they must have told you everything."

The Lovino in the screen sighed.

Antonio tried to contain his impulse to grab a knife and disembowel the TV.

"I'm sorry. That must have been a shitty moment. I'm sorry. But don't get me wrong! I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm not sorry about not telling you."

Antonio stood up at once. Was Lovino trying to pick a fight?

"I'm not sorry because I think I did the right thing. If I told you, you would have been desperate. You would have changed. You would have cried. You would have made me get treatment. You would have stopped working to stay by my side as I went through attack after attack. You would. I know you would, because you love me. I would have done the same if it was you. So I am sure as hell that it would have happened."

Antonio couldn't stop the incoherent yell that came out of his mouth. Of fucking course he would have done that! He would have wanted a chance to help Lovino out in the moment he needed him the most! Couldn't Lovino understand? He would have given anything to do that! To be crying, and be desperate, and be by Lovino's side! Why didn't he let him? WHY THE FUCK! ?

"But that's not what I want. I want you to always be happy. I want you to always smile. I didn't want you to forget about everything just to stay by me. That wasn't what I wanted. That wasn't what I needed. I needed you to be... you. Antonio, you have no idea how much having you by my side helped me. Every time I had an attack and had to wait it out on that damn toilet alone, or I had to go to the doctor and endure the looks he gave me, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. But when I came home to you, and you smiled to me and asked me how my day was, and everytime you kissed me and held me and made love with me, I remembered why. You made my last months one hell of a time. I was happy. And you were happy too. I mean, if you knew, we wouldn't have gone to Paris together, or had that kick-ass birthday party, and all that jazz. If you knew, I would always be surrounded by sad people. I didn't want that."

The Lovino in the screen rubbed his eyes.

Antonio had no idea what to do.

Lovino took another deep breathe.

"So, yeah. That's the reason why. I kind of decided to take all your pain, so that you could be happy. I... damn, this is gonna sound so sappy. But I love you, I really do. It was a cool life I had, and meeting you made it fantastic. Believe me when I say that I prefer to go away this soon rather than live 80 years without ever knowing you. I mean it."

Antonio felt a lump in his throat form, tighten and throb.

Lovino rubbed his eyes again. "... so, that's it. On to more serious matters, I decided to let you have my inheritance. You know, my grandpa's houses and the money. I know that we're not married and that they are Feli's now, but she will give them to you, I'm sure. You can do whatever you want with that. You can sell the houses and throw the money down the drain, I don't really care. It's all yours now. That's quite a bit of money I'm talking about here, so yeah. I hope you'll enjoy it."

Antonio scoffed. What the hell did he care about money and houses. He just wanted to wake up and find out that this was just a bad dream.

The Lovino on the screen smiled. "And now, back to us. I'm sure you kinda lost count of the days, buuut, I've arranged for this tape to arrive today. Check the date, come on!"

Antonio took his cell-phone and checked what damn day it was. His teary eyes widened. No way...!

Lovino's smile widened. "That's right! It's the seventh of July! So, happy sixth anniversary to us!"

Antonio didn't even try to hold back tears anymore.

Lovino's eyebrows knitted together. "I know, this is not the way I wanted to celebrate it. I wanted to be with you when the day came. But I won't be able to. So this will have to do."

Antonio felt his heart break.

Lovino scratched the back of his neck. "So. Yeah. I wanted to say so much, but now I don't even remember what I thought of. Well, one thing I remember."

Lovino looked straight at Antonio's green eyes. "You don't have to let this bring you down. You have to go on, and live for me too. And one day, you'll have to look for someone new. Someone that will love you, and make you happy. I don't care who it is, a guy or a girl or whatever. I'm sure that such a person exists. And when you meet this person, I don't want you to get all broody thinking that I would be jealous and wouldn't approve or shit. I approve. I'm telling you now. Maybe it will take some time, but it'll happen. And you have to be happy. That, or I'll... I don't know, come back from the dead especially to kick your ass."

Antonio was crying so hard that he couldn't breath anymore.

Lovino smacked his forehead as if he had forgotten something. "Oh yes, one more thing. You probably didn't come to my funeral. Don't feel bad about it, okay? I don't feel betrayed, I'm not angry or shit. I know that you must have been pretty... uhm... livid with anger, so I understand if you didn't go. It's okay. I don't really care, it must have been boring as hell anyway."

Antonio felt suddenly really guilty about not going to Lovino's funeral.

Lovino seemed to ignore it. Then he got closer to the camera. "So. Yeah. That's it, in the end. I love you, Antonio. I love you so much. That will never change. I'll wait for you. And when we see each other again, I want to see a happy old geezer with a hundred of grandchildren. But until then, live and love for me too."

Lovino rubbed his tears away again. "So, that's it. I love you. Don't forget that. I have to go now, you're going to be back in ten minutes, and you really shouldn't see me while I do this. So, goodbye. Have the happiest life you can. I want that for you. And for the upteenth time..."

Antonio swallowed as Lovino's eyes became softer.

"I love you."

Antonio's throat felt so raw he couldn't even speak. And when Lovino kissed his fingertips and brushed them on the screen, Antonio felt like a dam had broken inside of him. He couldn't stop himself from crying for hours.

"... you idiot... I was so angry at you... how could you make me forgive you..."

* * *

><p>Ludwig had really no idea what to do to help his Feli. It had been a week since Lovino's funeral, and she had barely gotten out of bed. She forced herself to eat something only for the baby's sake, and that was the only time she actually got out of bed. But she never even dressed for that. She spent all day in her pajamas, watching old picture albums and crying.<p>

Ludwig's heart felt like it was breaking a little more with every day.

Well, there was one thing he really wanted to do. He wanted to kill Lovino, even if he was already dead. How on Earth could that idiot let this happen? Did he really think that not telling anyone (not even Antonio, for fuck's sake!) about his disease would make things better? Didn't he think that Feli would cry herself to death when he died? Wouldn't telling them before save her all this pain?

Ludwig banged his head softly against the kitchen table. Damn, damn, damn. What was he supposed to do? Feli didn't even speak anymore. And of course she didn't smile. She was a ghost of what she used to be.

Ludwig clenched his fists hard. He felt so helpless. There was nothing he could do that could make Feli feel better. Even if he held her all night until she fell asleep, or if he cooked for her, or if he told her that surely Lovino had had his reasons. Feli was just not listening anymore. She wasn't really there.

Ludwig couldn't really blame her. He knew that he would have felt the same if it was his brother. But Ludwig could blame Lovino. He really wanted him to be alive, so he could grab him by the hair and make him see the mess he'd made. Then he would force him to apologize to Feli on his knees, and after he did that, he would give him a well placed kick in the ass that would send him flying to the moon, and...

… and someone was ringing the doorbell.

Ludwig got up and dragged himself to the door. He opened it to see a mailman.

"Hello. Here's your package. Sign here."

Ludwig didn't even bother saying that he wasn't waiting for anything. He just signed the paper and took the package.

When the mailman went away, Ludwig looked at it. His heart skipped a beat ot two when he recognized Lovino's handwriting. There was an envelope that said "To whoever receives this" on top of the package.

Ludwig opened it feverishly and read it. And there, in Lovino's messy handwriting, was a message.

_Dear I don't know who but probably Ludwig since Feli is probably crying too much to answer the doorbell,_

_This package has three tapes in it. They have Feli's, Antonio's and Belle's names on them, so please make sure they get them. _

_Make sure Feli watches it. _

_Thanks for the trouble,_

_Lovino_

_p.s. I know you're really pissed at me, potato. But please do this. _

Ludwig's brain didn't know how to process what was happening. He opened the parcel, and actually, there were the tapes Lovino had been writing about. He looked at them for a long while before retrieving a VHS player.

* * *

><p>"Feli? I'm coming in."<p>

Feli didn't even acknowledge Ludwig. She just wanted to be left alone. She pulled the blankets up so that her face was covered.

She felt the mattress sink with Ludwig's weight.

"Feli, please, I have to tell you something important."

Feli groaned. Nothing was really important anymore. Her twin had died. What could be more important than that?

"Feli. At least look at me."

Feli did, but only because Ludwig's voice was so strained. She looked at him, but said nothing.

Ludwig seemed to appreciate her effort. He stroked her hair as he spoke.

"There was a tape with your name on it in the mail. It's from Lovino. You should watch it."

Feli's eyes widened as she sat up in the bed.

"Ve! Are you for real!"

Ludwig nodded. "I set it up in the living room. You just have to hit play. I'll go out for a while."

Feli got up and put a dressing gown on. "...thank you, ve."

Feli sat down on the floor in front of the the TV. She bit her lips before hitting play. And there was Lovino.

Feli's heart ached. He looked so thin and tired. How could they not notice that he was sick? It was so painfully obvious now.

The Lovino in the TV started speaking. "Hey Feli. I hope you are doing well."

Feli felt her eyes sting.

Lovino sighed. "... probably not. I mean, if it were you that died, I most certainly wouldn't be doing well. I would cry and whine all the time. So probably you're doing that. I'm sorry."

Feli rubbed her eyes.

Lovino went on. "This is so terrible. I never wanted to die so soon. I wanted to live till I was a hundred or so, or at least until the baby was born."

Feli sobbed loudly.

"I know, I lied to you. When you asked me if I wanted to be the godfather, I told you that I would. I'm sorry. I already knew I wouldn't be around for the birth. But I'm sure you can ask Gilbert. He'll me more than happy to steal my thunder, that bastard."

Feli wiped her tears, but there were just so many...

"But, but, but. Now that I got the sad stuff out of the way, we should think about the happy stuff. Like the fact that you're having a baby, for instance. I never lied about that, Feli. I truly, really am very happy about it. Because it means that a little part of me will be walking in this world even if I'm dead. And because it means that even if I and grandpa died, you still have family. Hell, you'd still have even without children. I mean, Ludwig is sort of your husband. He's family too."

he gave a mock wince. "However much I wished he wasn't. But I wasn't really serious about that. I bet that right now, he's doing all he can for you. I'm sure he forces you to eat and tells you not to cry. You should listen to him. He's right. I don't want you to cry and be sad. You need to be the happiest you can. You're gonna be a mom soon. Do you really want your brat to have a depressed mom? And besides, I'm really, really sure it will be a boy. Blond and with blue eyes, with a curl. I can picture him so clearly in my mind. So yeah, if I'm right you'll know that I will be saying 'I told you so!' from wherever I will be!"

Feli felt her chest tighten.

Lovino went on. "Yeah. This is the reason why I didn't tell anyone. It was because I wanted to have some happy last memories. I think I managed. Our birthday was cool, Feli. I really had fun. So now, you have to smile. Do it for me. I mean, you have all our old pictures, and my stuff from when we were teenagers. I'm sure you will treasure them. I would if I was in your place."

Lovino smiled.

Feli cried a bit harder.

"So yeah. One last serious thing before my final words. You know the house in Rome and the one in Puglia? And my money? Give them to Antonio, please. I'm sure you will, but there, I needed to make sure. And now on the most important part."

Lovino sighed and looked directly in the camera with determination in his eyes.

Feli held her breath.

"Point one, you were the best little sister I ever could have. You're cute and adorable and fantastic. I hope you will always be like that, Feli. You make everyone happy, and I want that to never change. And even more important, point two. I don't know if I'll go to Heaven, or Hell, or if I'll be reincarnated. But if that's the case, I want to wait a bit before that."

Lovino sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"Because if I am ever reborn, I would still want to be your twin."

Feli could not hold back the tears anymore.

But that day, after having turned off the TV, Feli had a clear feeling that she was going to make it.

* * *

><p>Belle stared at the play button. She stared and stared. She didn't want to push it. Because Lovino would show up on the screen and probably have a monologue. To remind her once more that he was, in fact, dead.<p>

But she knew Lovino would have wanted her to watch. So she closed her eyes and hit the damn button.

And of course, Lovino showed up.

"Hi Bells, it's cool to see you. I mean, I don't see you, but you see me, so yeah, it kinda works. So. These are going to be my last words for my best friend. I hope they'll be nice or whatever. I make them up as I go on, so yeah, if I get distracted or shit I'm sorry."

Belle looked away from the TV. Seeing Lovino there was a stab to her heart.

"Now. First off, I'm sorry. Man, I keep apologizing so much lately. I think you guys noticed. But yeah. So. This is to tell you that I really liked being your friend, Bells."

He smiled heartily. "Actually, I really liked being your boyfriend too, back in the days when we were seventeen. But yeah, I like you as my best friend way better. Because we don't have to worry about anything when we're together. That's what I liked the most about us. The way we would talk about everything, and all those afternoons when we hung out together, and all the times we've watched 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' and how you look like a cat when you smile, and that stuff."

Belle was hit by a wave of nostalgia. She thought back of those times. She gave a watery smile. They had been fun.

Lovino went on. "But yeah, since you know me so well, I think you already know why I kept silent about the cancer. So I won't explain it to you. It'd be boring otherwise. But one thing I want to tell you. I really, really enjoyed this last months. We hung out so much, we went to places, you are getting your friendship with Antonio back on track, and you've found yourself a nice, cheapskate boyfriend that speaks your language. I mean, how cool is that?"

Belle chuckled through her tears.

"So yeah, Belle. When you start to think that you are indeed gonna die, you start realizing a lot of shit. And I did. I realized that you're the best friend I've ever had, and that my life was a lot like the hunchback, you know? A really cool story with a crappy ending."

Lovino paused a bit.

"Well, it wasn't so crappy, after all. I mean, I got to spend my last moments with people I love, and even if I had to go so soon, it was worth the ride. If I'm reborn, I want to be the same I was. I still want to go for bike rides with you. I still want to listen to your rants. I still want to ask you for a kiss on the cheek and then chicken out because you're so beautiful and I wasn't really expecting that you'd give me one..."

Belle smiled fondly. Now that had been a cute time...

"So, yeah. This is it. I hope you'll be really happy, because I know how much you deserve it. I really hope you will. And if you ever feel like, I don't know, chatting about whatever comes to your mind over a nice hot chocolate with me, you can do that. I won't answer, but I will listen. I'm sure I will, because I want to."

Belle sniffled loudly.

"So, my last words for you are: you are one of a kind, Bells. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're going to have the most beautiful life, and you're gonna be so happy. And..."

Lovino blushed. "... and you were my very first love. There, I said it. Now you know. Now, what I want you to do is have a nice, long, good cry in that flying Dutchman arms and then move on. Maybe you'll cry some more over me, but that's okay. It takes time, I guess. But you have to move on anyway, okay? Or I'll come back from the dead and give you the biggest bitch-slap you have ever gotten."

Belle really wanted to stop crying now. But she couldn't. Lovino's words were so sweet they hurt.

The Lovino in the TV gave one last, teary smile.

"So yeah. That's it. I love you, old friend."

The screen went blank.

No one was in the house.

So Belle cried to her heart's content.

But in the back of her mind, she could feel that it would get better, one day.

* * *

><p><em>Here you go, ve. I decided not to be a tease and give you the final chapter!<em>

_I put all the videos in a single chapter because I don't like drawn-out endings, and it would have looked like I was dragging it out just to get more reviews, which are always nice, but they have never been my goal._

_Also, someone told me that Lovi died too suddenly. But the truth is, I don't think that Lovino's the kind of guy who would give a long, flowery speech on his deathbed. He'd hate to be seen at his weakest. And besides, remember Lovino's personality: he has trouble with his feelings, so much that he sort of died alone, to spare himself and others the heartache. I wanted him to stay true to himself until the end._

_Sorry, Lovi. I always make you suffer D:_

_Hope you enjoyed. _

_And now, my usual Shameless Self-Advertising(tm): I'm posting a new fic, Gerita, with fem!italy as usual, with a small side of Spamano. If you guys feel like new reading material, you could check it out... XD_


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